Resilience and How We Cope with Change || By Catherine Dockery, MA, Conscious Aging Facilitator
Life is Change
How can we embrace our life with vitality, rather than with a faint heart? By allowing ourselves to continue to evolve and grow through transformative resilience, which is a way to describe a shift in the way we see the world. As a child we experience many shifts due to the growth of our development. Once we become an adult, we continue to go through further development that results in changes in how we see the world.
A true transformation will change how we see others and ourselves in the world. Transformation is not “self-development,” “self-help” or “self-improvement.” We do not need to be ‘fixed.’ Rather, transformation is the change that occurs naturally when one is provided the adequate environment and nourishment to continue to develop natural potential. We have a natural inner drive that propels or “pushes” us to continue to grow and develop throughout our lives.
The process of change is not always comfortable and, therefore, we often mischaracterize it as having something ‘wrong’ with us. Changing in our mature years is not a crisis but a natural development– it results in our search to break new ground, answer deep questions, and explore what is true and meaningful in life. The inner push or life force is ignited in a new way that spurs us on to new tasks and achievements.
What Helps Us Adapt to Change?
How do people manage change? How do they make significant and long-lasting shifts that affect every aspect of their lives? Researchers have identified the significant factors that enable us all to manage the constant change that makes up our experience of life. That factor is the ability to either approach our life from a place of fear and anxiety or love and acceptance.
Researchers at the Harvard Grant Study found that the key underlying quality for successful change is our ability to accept what is not in our control, but then use it to our benefit. They identified the elements that enable us to come from a place of love/acceptance and cope with change at any stage of life. Those elements are:
- Rest and Relaxation
- Social Connection
- Play
We will have a better chance of coping with the stresses of a changing lifestyle when we have these elements in our life.
Rest and relaxation
Relaxation is the antidote to stress. When we are stressed, our bodies release stress hormones, which wreak havoc on our brains and our bodies. When we honor our biology and when we rest and we give ourselves downtime, we are rewarded with the release of the body’s feel-good hormones – serotonin, prolactin, and oxytocin. The research on mindfulness, slowing down and paying attention, is revealing that it improves our focus, our memory, our concentration, our relationships, and our life satisfaction.
Forms of rest include getting adequate sleep, meditation, mindfulness (taking time to be aware of and enjoy the activity you are engaged in like eating, taking a shower, receiving a hug, etc.), any activities that allow for release/support/letting go of worries, taking time to dream, and any type of touch and affection.
Social Connection
Social connection is essential. When we are socially isolated, it corrodes our bodies and we get sick. Being lonely is as much of a risk factor for death as smoking. Social connection, contribution, meaningful social bonding all light up our brains. Have you ever wanted to give up when you were tired and exhausted? It probably was your connection to something bigger than yourself that allowed you to stick with it and eventually change and adapt.
Play
We are biological creatures governed by a deep desire to survive. When we do something that will help us adapt, we increase the likelihood of our survival. Therefore, behaviors that lead to our survival are rewarded in the brain’s motivation centers with the powerful release of neurochemicals that bring feelings of wellbeing and joy. That is our signal to do it again.
Play activates that frontal part of our brain, the very human part and it stimulates all kinds of pathways for abstract thinking, emotional regulation, problem solving, and strategic thinking. Play makes us comfortable with uncertainty; it makes us take risks and learn from trial and error. Also, play requires that we release fear and submit to the present moment.
In his book Play, author and psychiatrist Stuart Brown, MD, compares play to oxygen. He writes, “…it’s all around us, yet goes mostly unnoticed or unappreciated until it is missing.” This might seem surprising until you consider everything that constitutes play. Play is art, books, movies, music, comedy, flirting and daydreaming, writes Dr. Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play. Brown called play a “state of being…purposeless, fun and pleasurable.” For the most part, the focus is on the actual experience, not on accomplishing a goal.
Opportunity for Deeper Meaning and Purpose
Our mature years present a possibility to explore deeper parts of ourselves. Many older adults pursue continued learning, exploring, discovering and meaningfully engaging in new pursuits and pastimes in their 60’s, 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s. Although many of the messages we receive from society speak primarily to the negative challenges associated with aging such as relational loss, physical pain and cognitive challenges, it is important to continue to challenge ourselves and commit to another leg of the journey with new enthusiasm and commitment.
The challenge is to rise above the societal script that aging is a degenerative process. The inner push that we all have is linked closely with developmental intelligence – which is the ability to continue to gain wisdom, insight, judgment, and more emotional balance.
Identify Your Inner Desire to Change
What are you passionate about? What drives, interests, or motivates you? Do you have any unfinished dreams, goals or shelved ideas and interests? Reflect on who you are, what you have done and what you want to accomplish next.
References and Further Reading
- Play by Stuart Brown, MD
- What One Skill = An Awesome Life? by Kang, Dr Shimi (Website)
- Living deeply: the art and science of transformation in everyday life by Marilyn Schlitz, Cassandra Vieten and Tina Amorok
About the author: Rev. Catherine Dockery, MA, is a People House minister and a trained facilitator in conscious aging, nonviolent communication and resonant healing of trauma. She has an MA in Public Administration and BA in Communications both from the University of Colorado at Denver. Catherine started The Center for Conscious Aging in 2015 where she conducts workshops, personal coaching and support groups for older adults helping them to understand their developmental changes and transform their lives. She has 10 years of experience in individual and group facilitation and presents on aging topics throughout Colorado. To learn more about Catherine’s services please visit www.centerforconsciousaging.org or email consciousaging1@gmail.com
