Breaking the Chains of Shame || By Rick Garcia, Certified Sex/Cannabis Coach, LMT
Welcome to another blog installment. Full disclosure, this post will dive into the waters of sexuality, shame and guilt. These concepts are charged, and if you find them triggering, then you have a choice: you can stop reading and come back to this article when you are in a better space, or, if you find the topic triggering, it might mean that there are aspects of your own sexuality/sexual expression that may need some attention. Reading about these subjects is a great way to start moving forward.
Sex and sexuality is part of the human experience and part of who you are as a human. Yet these topics often carry a heavy burden of shame. Shame and guilt are two powerful emotions that can profoundly affect our lives, even beyond the bedroom. In this blog post, we will explore the difference between shame and guilt, delve into concepts that demonstrate the impact of shame on sexual health, and discuss how societal stigma can increase these feelings.
Shame and guilt, these concepts are often used interchangeably and can exist in the same space, but they are distinctly different emotional responses. Understanding this difference is crucial in comprehending their impact on sexual health.
Guilt is the feeling of remorse or responsibility for one’s actions. It arises from knowing that you have done something. For some, we may hurt someone through our words, or our actions. With the lens of sex, we may feel guilty if we had sex. Remember, feelings are NOT facts. The circumstances around a sexual experience are what dictates if we did something wrong or not. Two adults having sex out of wedlock isn’t wrong. Having a sexual encounter outside of your monogamous relationship, yes, that probably should evoke a feeling of guilt. Guilt can be a healthy emotion, as it can motivate individuals to take responsibility for their actions, make amends, and learn from their mistakes. However, like any other emotions, it is important to know the function of guilt and not allow yourself to be consumed by it. Allowing yourself to be consumed by guilt can cause you to stop growing or embracing other healthy emotions.
Shame, on the other hand, is the feeling that you have done something wrong. As a sex coach I often see shame come about from people with religious backgrounds (please keep in mind that this is just the simplest example, but there are many instances of shame and sexuality). The social messages that come from religion often view sex as either an act of love and sanctimony or a simple and unforgivable act of smut. I can’t stress enough that these messages are wrong. Sex and fantasy can be many things, and yes, even healthy. Our sense of identity is tied to worthiness, so if we have external or internal shame then our entire self is called into question. It goes beyond feeling bad about one’s actions/thoughts; it is feeling bad about who you are as a person. In the context of sexuality, shame can lead individuals to feel inherently flawed, dirty, or undeserving/unworthy of pleasure or love.
For some, the thought can cause shame. The action of being with someone or looking at erotic images can hold both guilt and shame.
Shame surrounding one’s sexual identity or experiences can destroy self-esteem. This can make it difficult to engage in healthy relationships, communicate one’s needs and desires, or even seek out medical advice when needed. This shame can create a pattern of hiding, disconnection and continuing in relationships or experiences that are harmful to us.
Studies have shown a strong link between sexual shame and sexual dysfunction. The fear of judgment, feelings of inadequacy, and self-consciousness can lead to difficulties in arousal, desire, and satisfaction. Our sexual response cycle is not just a physical one. The mind plays a huge role in our erotic experiences. Shame can cause us to become so closed off, so much so that our bodies express this inner turmoil through the body. This might look like not being able to achieve an orgasm or an erection. It might show up as early (premature) ejaculation and countless other scenarios.
Some individuals who are burdened by sexual shame, may engage in risky sexual behaviors, such as unprotected sex or promiscuity, as a way to cope with their feelings or “release the pressure.” This can lead to negative health consequences, including the risk of sexually transmitted infections. When I did sexual health testing, I was hardly ever worried about the person who was in touch with their sexual self. It was often the person who had shame that I was worried about. Shame can prevent us from talking about STI testing and safer sex practices with our partners. Often, someone with sexual shame will “go along” with the experience to avoid an open dialogue about sex. Those who are more sexually liberated can vocalize their last test, they can ask for PrEP if they need it or ask partners to use condoms.
Shame can prevent individuals from seeking necessary sexual healthcare, including regular check-ups, screenings, or mental health support. This avoidance can have long-term consequences for physical and mental well-being. There is that old adage “out of sight, out of mind” that’s not exactly true. This mentality is nothing more than suppression. The concerns, be it mental or physical, will grow.
Societal stigma plays a significant role when it comes to increasing the feelings of shame surrounding sexuality.
This stigma often stems from cultural, religious, or societal norms that dictate what is considered “normal” or “acceptable” in terms of sexual behavior. Some key ways stigma impacts individuals are:
Heteronormativity: The expectation that everyone should conform to heterosexuality can make those with diverse sexual orientations feel shame and guilt, potentially causing them to hide their true selves.
Slut-Shaming: The act of shaming individuals, typically women, for being sexually active can lead to feelings of shame and guilt, which can impact self-esteem and self-worth.
Body Image Stigma: Unrealistic standards of beauty perpetuated in media and culture can lead to body shame, impacting an individual’s sexual confidence.
So… how do we break these chains?
It’s crucial to address and combat shame in our society, particularly regarding sexual matters. Here are some steps to break free from the shackles of shame:
Education: This is your greatest tool when it comes to combating sexual shame and/or guilt. Learn about human sexuality and understand that it is a natural and diverse aspect of being human. There really are rules when it comes to sex. There is an actual declaration of sexual rights. These rights are presented without bias, without judgment and should be for all. You can read the full declaration here.
Self-Acceptance: Accept yourself and your desires without judgment. You are not defined by your sexual experiences. Fantasy is not reality and reality is not fantasy. All desires can be experienced in healthy and consensual ways.
Seek Support: Reading this article is a great first step, but it’s not the only step. There are many services that are here to help you. A sexologist can help you find proper sexual education and guide you through the labyrinth of sex. Helping people work through their sexual concerns is my role. It’s one that I’m honored to have.
Challenge Stigma: Accepting ourselves can be hard, if you can’t accept yourself, maybe try to accept someone else and see that they (like you) can be sexual, seductive, liberated and worthy of love.
Shame and guilt are complex emotions that can significantly impact an individual’s sexual health. Understanding the difference and similarities between the two are important when it comes to recognizing the influence of internal and/or external stigma. By embracing sexual education, self-acceptance, and challenging stigma, we can work towards a more inclusive and shame-free society where everyone can enjoy a healthy and fulfilling sexual life.
I invite anyone struggling with any aspects of your sexual expression to reach out to Cannabased Coaching and Wellness. There is no reason to live in shame.
About the Author: Rick Garcia (he/him) is the owner of Cannabased Coaching & Wellness. Rick started his career in the healing arts as a licensed massage therapist in 2005. Looking for a shift he transitioned to HIV prevention and has worked in sexual health for 11 years. Realizing the gap in sexual health and sexual fulfillment Rick became a certified sex coach and sexologist so that he could help people explore their ideal sexual self while remaining as safe as possible. His sex coaching services are holistic and combine elements such as talk, somatic exercises, the MEBES model, cannabis and a variety of other modalities. When his wellness center opened he decided to have another arm available for massage therapy. To learn more about Rick’s services please visit www.cannabasedcoachingandwellness.com or contact him at cannabasedcoachingandwellness@gmail.com.
