Who Are We “Getting Better” For? || By Rick Garcia, Certified Sex/Cannabis Coach, LMT
As you read the title of this blog, stop and ponder where your mind went. Was it getting better as a work professional? As a person? As a lover? I find it fascinating that our minds will almost always instinctively link what draws our attention to what drives our intention. Everyone wants to be better in some area of life. I’m a firm believer of the saying “how you do one thing is how you do everything.” There are a million and one different areas that we can strive to “get better” in. In terms of this blog, I’m talking more about that personal evolution, but if you find it applicable to other aspects of your life then that’s just perfect! As with past blogs this entry will include talks on relationships, growth and even some cannabis chat here.
I’m a huge believer in reflection. I like to examine; where have I been? How has the past shaped where I’m at now? Where might I end up if I stay in my present situation/mindset? I’ve been doing a deep dive into Stephen Gray and I decided to take a page out of his book and contemplate the above with a little cannabis boost. I was struck by the reflections that I was having. In my 30s I wanted to be a better person, so I did what society told me I should do, and threw all my energy into the romantic relationships that I had. It was an effort to mirror those happy people in movies who always smiled at me through the celluloid screen. Guess what? All of those relationships went up in flames, don’t get me wrong, there were some great points, but almost all of it ended in a dumpster fire. It was then I thought that the idea of having a soulmate might have been a crock.
At that point in my life, I decided that I had enough self loathing so I decided to abandon the idea of relationships and just enjoy life as an eternal bachelor. To my great surprise, something unexpected happened. When I became my only priority, I was kinder to myself. That kindness to myself turned to intimacy with myself, that intimacy turned into self love. Self love; the term was no longer a buzzword or a noun, but a verb. Self love became something tangible and in constant movement because I was evolving and growing. That love radiated from the inside out and without trying I did find myself to be a better person, in action, in thought and in regards to others. I wasn’t a perfect person, but there was something noticeably different about me. So of course, this is when the universe sent me a relationship.
Almost seven years later, here I am pondering all of it. Did I meet my partner because I was being better? Would it have lasted if I wasn’t “better?” Am I still growing? What is the role of my relationship in my evolution? And of course; am I evolving for me or my partner?
In a world where the media often portrays personal growth as a concept synonymous with being in a relationship, it IS crucial to ask: who are we really “getting better” for?
While it’s true that relationships can serve as catalysts for self-improvement, the driving force behind this evolution isn’t solely our significant other. It has overlap, yes, but self improvement is something that should be internal. An inherent motivation to move forward. I’m sure you have tried to change a behavior because it would look better at work, or it would impress someone, or society dictates it, but was it something you stuck with? Were you actually happy? Studies have shown that change is longer lasting when we do it for ourselves.
Love has a transformative power in relationships, there’s no denying that. The journey of growth and self-discovery that unfolds within the context of a loving connection to a romantic partner is profound. However, it’s imperative to recognize that these profound feelings don’t belong solely to those in romantic relationships. One often overlooked fact is that love can weave its transformative magic on our most important relationship, the one to ourselves. Romantic (and platonic partners) partners can be looked at as guides, mirrors, and companions on our journey, but the true hero (or anti-hero or villain) of our personal evolution is ourselves.
For those who find themselves in relationships, it’s important to acknowledge the role of their partners in their growth while also recognizing their own agency in the process.
Your partner may inspire you, challenge you, and support you, but ultimately, it is your willingness to grow and evolve that drives the transformation within yourself. Lord knows my partner has the amazing (and sometimes annoying) power to hold up a mirror to me. I’m thankful that I’m in a relationship where I’m not asked to change. A partner who asks you to change can be a blessing or a curse. The blessing is: to have someone who has boundaries and their own self love. The curse: well, it can be easy to mistake a boundary for manipulation. However, that’s not the point of this blog, so we’ll put a pin in that for now. When you have a partner who is a mirror, it allows you to ask yourself “is this something I want to work on?” Then, it becomes your choice and your journey.
On the other hand, for those navigating life’s journey solo, it’s imperative to understand that personal development is not contingent upon being in a relationship.
The notion that one must be in a romantic partnership to experience growth is a limiting and damaging belief. Self-love and self-improvement are journeys that can be embarked upon independently, with or without a significant other. Many times we will have to make a journey of personal growth to find a healthy relationship. Sometimes we’ll have to make this journey of growth to leave an unhealthy relationship. I have no idea if my current relationship would have lasted as long as it has if I didn’t have that period of really falling in love with myself. I can say that my self love created a healthy boundary and protected me from putting up with the things that I didn’t want. This was a skill that took decades to learn.
Loving oneself should always be at the core of personal growth. Whether single or in a relationship, the focus should be on becoming a better person for oneself, not merely to fit someone else’s expectations or desires. True growth stems from authenticity and self-awareness, not from conforming to external standards.
Did I meet my partner because I was being better? Maybe? I certainly wasn’t celibate during my growth, but my growth allowed me to be loved because I already had it for myself. Am I still growing because I’m in a good relationship? Totally, as I said above, a good partner will challenge us, support us, comfort us, but my growth didn’t start with my partner and it will not end with my partner. I’m thankful everyday that I have someone who makes me think, but at the end of the day, I know that my growth is a choice. A choice that is sometimes a pleasure and other times a pain, but nonetheless, it is a choice I have made for myself. The bonus in self improvement is that if you become a better version of yourself, the people around you will also get the benefit. You might even notice unhealthy relationships fall away once you’ve started working on yourself.
So, who are we “getting better” for? Ultimately, the answer lies within ourselves and our intentions. Whether we are in a relationship or single, the driving force behind our personal evolution should always be rooted in self-love, self-respect, and a genuine desire to become the best version of ourselves. Let’s remember that the most fulfilling journey of growth is the one that leads us back to our own hearts.
I will close this blog by saying that whoever is reading this should know; you are not a puzzle with a missing piece. You are not a project for someone else to fix. You are your own person, you have the power to bring about your own creation or your own destruction. Don’t rely on a partner to make you a better person. Think of people (romantic or platonic) as guides and teachers. Learn as much as you can, not because you’re supposed to, but because you want to. Coaching can be a great mirror to help you see where growth can happen. Reach out if you feel that you are ready to do more personal exploration.
About the Author: Rick Garcia (he/him) is the owner of Cannabased Coaching & Wellness. Rick started his career in the healing arts as a licensed massage therapist in 2005. Looking for a shift he transitioned to HIV prevention and has worked in sexual health for 11 years. Realizing the gap in sexual health and sexual fulfillment Rick became a certified sex coach and sexologist so that he could help people explore their ideal sexual self while remaining as safe as possible. His sex coaching services are holistic and combine elements such as talk, somatic exercises, the MEBES model, cannabis and a variety of other modalities. When his wellness center opened he decided to have another arm available for massage therapy. To learn more about Rick’s services please visit www.cannabasedcoachingandwellness.com or contact him at [email protected].
