True Responsibility is the Ability to Respond || By By Phannie Krentzman
We all have long lists of what to do to be most responsible. There are things we’ve inherited from our parents and grandparents that were dictated by their life experiences and conditions. The societies we live within tell us the most acceptable ways to parent, live, spend, save, travel, communicate, be in relationship, etc. Responsibility is a road map that’s given to us, void of ourselves and our connection to what actually matters to us. Society tells us that to be responsible you must be a certain way, and if you do that then maybe you can color outside the lines a little to be who you are.
This definition and experience of responsibility doesn’t just come from our personal and societal lineage, it also comes from our own experience and patterning. These assumptions and rules of engagement might just be the things that keep us from a successful and enjoyable life.
Imagine that you have been taught your whole life to be kind and put others’ needs first. This condition can come with the assumption that if you’re kind enough and take care of others enough, one day you’ll get what you want. For example, let’s say you’re in a relationship that you’re starting to resent because you feel taken advantage of and neglected, and one morning your partner says to you, “Let me take care of the chores and cook you breakfast so you can relax and do something you enjoy.” Because of your conditioning of responsibility you reflexively deny this suggestion and carry on being “kind” and putting your partner’s needs first. Now in this moment this feels like the right thing to do because this conditioning has kept you safe in knowing who you are and how to act. But you are blind to the fact that your behaviors and patterning are creating the resentment you are starting to feel.
How do you experience this moment for what it is and actually get to receive the reciprocal care-taking and enjoyment with your partner?
Presence – It’s not just a trend, it’s a superpower.
This is where presence comes into play.
When you cultivate the ability to be in this moment you free yourself from the story that you carry with you, from the narrative that infects all of your experiences.
Our ability to be present is a huge determining factor for the outcomes and experiences in our life. And presence isn’t only the Zen Buddhist master sitting on a rock at one with the universe. Presence is simply our ability to be with what is without all the meanings and stories we place upon the moment.
In our culture, responsibility means doing what’s expected. To take the moment we’re living in and abstract it into an imagined construct that most often doesn’t even come from what we want, but comes from what we’ve been told is the responsible way to be.
But when we do that we miss the moment, our heart, and our ability to feel fulfilled and expressed. We stay in the reactivity of our story and the expected reality we project, and it often leads to disappointment, suffering and limitations that harden and isolate us even more.
True responsibility actually resides in the word itself.
Response-ability.
Your ability to respond instead of react. To see and hear clearly what is actually going on and take the appropriate action.
And presence gives you this ability.
Let’s take parenting as an example here. You were brought up to be polite and not make a fuss. When you did you experienced loss of love from your parents and that was painful, so you continued the behaviors that kept you in their good graces.
Now you’re grown and are raising your own child. You’ve done some work on yourself and you don’t want to raise your kids the way you were raised. But then you’re in a grocery store with your kid, just trying to make a quick stop, and your kid starts bothering strangers and acting silly.
You feel a well of worry and terror come up in your body because that was never safe for you as a kid. Those feelings in your body make you want to snatch your kid up, control their body and behavior and get out of that store immediately. And if you aren’t present, that’s exactly what you’ll do.
But, if you are present, you get to witness those old stories coming through your body, take a breath, and then choose a different path to acknowledge your child, meet their tiny developing body’s needs and redirect to get what you need done. And that’s truly the response-able thing to do, actually responding to the moment and not just reacting based on the old story you’ve carried with you of ‘how to be responsible’.
About the Author: Phannie has a long career of being a movement artist, movement and embodiment educator and creator. During her career as a professional dancer, studio owner, and company founder, she spent her time uncovering what is true and real in this world. Originally used as tools to create content for performances with strong messaging about the human experience, she created the embodiment teachings and methodology of the Radical Love Movement.
Phannie has dedicated her life to authentic expression and understanding how consciousness works. She now has alchemical structure to support others in discovery and application of their authentic selves expressed through the body.
