The Myth of Escalator Sex || By TJ Dubovich MFTC
In the realm of sexuality, there is a pervasive myth that suggests desire should always be like an escalator, consistently and predictably moving upwards. This idea implies that if you and your partner are truly compatible, you should effortlessly slide into a state of continuous, unending desire. Not only that but once you both have sex, it needs to lead to penetrative sex that ends in orgasm. In reality, a sexual connection can look a variety of different ways, with varying intensity or duration, and this can be just as fulfilling as the sex scenes we tend to view via scripted media on TV, movies, or porn.
Emily Nagoski, a renowned sex educator and author, presents a different perspective in her book “Come As You Are.” She challenges the notion of the sexual escalator by introducing the concept of gas pedals and brakes. Nagoski’s model of sexual response focuses on two key elements: accelerators (gas pedals) and brakes. These are the factors that influence our sexual desire and response, and they can vary greatly from person to person.
Gas pedals represent the things that increase our sexual desire. These can be physical, emotional, or contextual triggers that make us feel turned on and ready for intimacy. They vary from person to person and can include things like physical touch, compliments, a romantic atmosphere, or certain fantasies. Brakes, on the other hand, are the factors that inhibit or slow down our sexual response. These can be stress, fatigue, relationship issues, body image concerns, or past traumas. Just as gas pedals vary from person to person, so do the brakes.
One of the key takeaways from Nagoski’s work is the importance of understanding your own unique gas pedals and brakes. This self-awareness can help you navigate your own desires and responses, as well as communicate effectively with your partner.
Self-Exploration:
Take time to explore what turns you on (your gas pedals) and what may hinder your desire (your brakes). Reflect on your past experiences and pay attention to the situations or circumstances that have either increased or decreased your desire. It may be helpful to work with a sex therapist to explore this area of yourself and move through brakes, if that is something you want to shift.
Open Communication:
Once you have a better understanding of your own gas pedals and brakes, it’s essential to share this information with your partner. Open and honest communication is key, and remember to hold your partner’s experience with curiosity and gentleness. It can be vulnerable to share this intimate information! If you are interested in learning more through Nagoski – she offers an accompanying workbook to Come As You Are that provides conversational prompts to explore more with your partner.
Recognize Variability:
Remember that your gas pedals and brakes can vary from day to day. Stress from work, relationship conflicts, or physical health can all impact your sexual response. Understanding this variability can help reduce pressure and judgment in your sexual relationship. It can also prompt a deeper conversation about what other intimate activities can occur between parties when brakes occur. For example, one or both partners may be too tired or not interested in penetrative sex but do have enough energy for mutual masturbation or a naked cuddle with massage and caressing. This variance is easier to navigate if you begin to have more comfortability around sex “looking” many different ways.
Nagoski’s concept of gas pedals and brakes provides a valuable framework for understanding and navigating your own sexual response. By embracing this model and fostering open communication with your partner, you can create a more compassionate and fulfilling sexual relationship that takes into account the complexity of human desire. Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to sexuality, and it’s perfectly normal for your desires to ebb and flow. Sexual connection “success” has less to do with the “destination” and more about the journey you take with your partner along the way. Embrace your uniqueness and explore the rich landscape of your own desires with patience and empathy.
Reference:
Nagoski, E. (2022). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon and Schuster Paperbacks.
About the Author: TJ Dubovich is a marriage and family therapist at The Cannon Institute. TJ works with individuals, couples, and families in a solution-focused and collaborative approach. He enjoys working with folks from a variety of backgrounds – especially those in the LGBTQIA + community, those in life transitions, and couples looking to improve their relationships. If you are interested in working with TJ – email or call The Cannon Institute at [email protected] / (720) 318-2450 for a free, 20-minute consultation.
