Sexy Ethics || By Beth Hinnen, Certified Mindfulness and Meditation Teacher
Oxymoronic? Don’t belong together even in irony? And yet, the most iconic storyline is the hero who against all odds, in the end, does the right thing — stands up to the bully, declares strong boundaries, takes the risk for the relationship, and above all, leads with the heart … or at least a sense of caring about something bigger than their own egoistic pride.
After the Buddha realized nirvana, he met up with his old sadhu buddies who had already been on the path for decades and so the first thing out of his mouth was, he had found a middle way. He did so, I project wildly, because they had ousted him from their ascetic clique when he took some rice milk upon realizing if he didn’t have a functioning body, this whole enlightenment gig was going to end in death and not realization. So when he came back, he met them where they were, still being ascetics and offered them something they could be open to, that they could enter the path he proposed by adopting a middle way, i.e. not going to the extreme of asceticism, nor swinging to the polar opposite of heedless sensuality, which is what they accused him of with the rice milk. I mean, really, talk about catastrophizing. Once he had their attention, he then shared the Four Noble Truths and the Eightfold Path which are inextricably linked and in just talking about them, one of the sadhus became enlightened. They were primed, they were ready, and all of them, over time, realized.
For laypeople, for all of us not in a monastery or committed to monastic vows, the Buddha also meets us where we are, and to such folks in his time, he gave the practice of the paramis, perfections or really, furtherances — which advance us on the path toward enlightenment, or at least to some lessening of suffering. These are qualities or characteristics that can give us a foundation to then study and practice the Four Noble Truths, and the Eightfold Path, because these are not so easily grasped if you have not seen the cause and effect of basic human civility, and practiced such behaviors.
The first parami is generosity, to counter the grasping, sensually craving world we live in. We have been conditioned that getting is more satisfying than giving. This serves one purpose — to stay on the treadmill of productivity — where doing and getting gives us a sense of purpose and worth. Instead, the Buddha offers that giving, being of service, and supporting the well-being of all (others and ourselves), is what begins to loosen the false beliefs that external objects and circumstances will be satisfying. Which they are not … at all. It is the care and generosity of our actions that cultivate an internal experience which is fulfilling and gratifying.
The second parami is ethics. And here is where we get to catchy title of this blog. The Buddha called ethics “pristine, traditional, and ancient gifts” (hello, first parami). We give others the five precepts, the gift of being safe in our presence where we will not knowingly harm (harmlessness); where we will be honest (not tell lies), trustworthy (not steal), refrain from misuse of sexual energy (self-explanatory), and refrain from using intoxicating drinks and substances (ditto).
Now, in a monastery, the physical container is set up so it is very difficult to violate those precepts. But for us laypeople out in the world with so much temptation? Yep, it’s going to be more challenging, and yet, we can give ourselves the gift that while we may not perfect our ethical behavior, we can at least practice other paramis like patience, wisdom, equanimity, and what I think is a crucial one, resolve. This is the hero’s journey (re: my first blog of this year), the resolution to carry on (I think of Sam’s speech in LOTR — “they kept going”). We resolve to keep finding alignment with the precepts even if we violate them a hundred, thousand, million times.
So, how is being harmless sexy? First, I would not confuse harmless with weak. Rather, it takes discernment, kindness and courage to not take the easy route of “shoot” first, ask questions later. More so, an attitude of harmlessness is actually one of protection, and being protective is sexy, or, at least attractive. It’s the person who steps in to alleviate harm when possible, who sets a boundary and sticks with it (resolve). It’s the hero, the person who thinks of, and acts on, the well-being of all, including him or herself. This person says no to harm, and yes to safety … and kindness.
Which is wholly different than being “nice.” Being “nice” can have a condescending quality, projecting a fragility on another person who “can’t handle the truth,” and might lead us to violate our own values (honesty, caring, giving) in the process. Not sexy … not attractive. On the other hand, kindness stems from the heart, and again, can be construed as weak, i.e. unattractive. For me, nothing could be further from the truth. Kindness is courage in action (courage, from the word “cour,” meaning, heart), and is very sexy. Kindness projects strength onto others, honoring their innate capacity of well-being; it acts skillfully, can say no with respect and care, and can uphold values and share them with others. This can only be done though, if our internal landscape is kind, harmless, giving. Which brings up another word, integrity, and this is attractive as hell. When we can count on a person’s words to match their actions to match their values? Wow, a trifecta of beauty.
The second precept is to not tell lies. I like the word honesty, also clarity, factual. If I can be honest with those I’m in relationship when I’m fearful, sad, joyful, angry, and if I can be clear and factual about that, people can start to trust me when I say “no, that won’t work,” or even “yes, great,” and best of all, “I don’t know.” Which leads to trustworthiness. Once my actions match my words and thinking, when I have integrity, it is easy to be clear about asking for what I want, not taking that which is not given (the third precept), and in general, being respectful of other people and their boundaries and requests (creating safety, protection, harmlessness). When people know where I stand, and I don’t mean on politics or social mores, I mean where I stand on kindness, clarity, and honesty, that is when trust can be built.
For the fourth precept, misuse of sexual energy, we have to know where our own boundaries are first. We have to be honest about what we want (not what we crave, which has an addictive quality which is ultimately harming). There has to be the ability to communicate, which includes talking and listening, reflecting and pausing. We want to protect ourselves and others in this most vulnerable act. It’s cultivating a relationship that includes two people, not just one, me, and that happens over time, not in a single encounter.
And that takes us to the use of intoxicating substances. As with all precepts, you have to see where you fall on the scale of practice. Most Buddhist teachers say this is a prohibition against any substance, some say psychedelics are okay with therapy, some say a glass of wine with dinner is about the taste not the alcohol, and recovering addicts are clear that no substance has a role in their lives. One thing is for sure, being drunk, stoned, tripping, is not attractive. It can be annoying at the least, and at the worst scary and abusive, especially if it requires others to care for you. While that calls for other people to act skillfully, it subconsciously undermines our own confidence and capacity for skillful behavior. Such intoxication is the antithesis to freedom; it is bondage to our own cravings and compounds our perceived inadequacies.
As one Buddhist teacher puts it, we are confused about freedom. It is not the freedom to do whatever we want, it is the freedom from … we are actually looking for. Freedom to do whatever I want stems more from a lack of ethics. The freedom from is choosing skillful, ethical behavior, which frees me from remorse, guilt, shame, broken relationships, isolation, regret, lovelessness and ultimately, unworthiness. The Buddha called this “the bliss of blamelessness.” So when we meet someone who is happy, has integrity, a grounding in their own well-being, and who acts with kindness, strength, clear boundaries and truthfulness, that is a hero … and that is sexy.
About the Author: Beth Hinnen came to the spiritual path from the corporate world. After experiencing impermanence and greed, she left to study Yoga and has over 1,000 hours in Yoga teacher training, and ended up specializing in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, spiritual scripture that closely aligns with Buddhism. From there, she studied Zen Buddhism for over ten years, including in-person, month-long monastic retreats, until she earned certification, in January, 2023, as a Mindfulness and Meditation Teacher with Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach. Currently, Beth is a co-leader of the IMCD Council, and on the Teachers Collective, as administrator. She hosts a Meetup group called Yoga Meets Buddhism, and for the past three years, has held an online Dharma Wednesdays class that discusses the Yoga Sutras while also bringing in Buddhist teachings, along with Sufi poets, Christianity, Judaism and other spiritual paths that reinforce the words of Sri Swami Satchidananda, the founder of Integral Yoga where Beth studied. “The truth is one, the paths are many.” More information about Beth is at www.samayaco.org.
