How to Forgive || By Laura Zwisler, LPC
I once saw one of those customizable signs outside of a church that said, “Forgive someone today.” If only forgiveness worked like that. If it were simply an act we chose, we would get over things so much easier and more completely. Most people don’t want to hold grudges, they simply don’t know how to find closure.
Forgiveness is needed for a number of human transgressions, but most of them fall into the camp of betrayal. Betrayal, as I see it, is when we don’t keep our word. You said you wouldn’t cheat, and you did, that’s a betrayal. You said you’d be home on time, and you weren’t, that’s a betrayal. These places of hurt come in all sizes, and so the repair of them also is fit-to-order.
Piecing together bits from many different couples theories, I’ve gleaned that the best repairs involve 1) Admission of fault and guilt, 2) A clear plan to avoid the hurt in the future, and 3) An active forgiveness from the hurt party. I’ll go through them step-by-step but an analogy might help us get there. Imagine your heart is open, soft and trusting, much like an open palm. When a betrayal happens your fist slams closed and the fingers are clamped shut. Both you and the other party would like you to go back to a trusting and relaxed stance, but you can’t seem to figure out how to open the fist. On your wrist, just below the palm, are several pressure points. If pressed, they will help release the tension in your hand and open the fist. The three steps above are some pressure points. Without pressing them, the fist will not open.
First, good apologies involve admission of guilt. Let’s be clear, there are two kinds of apology: misunderstandings and humanity getting away from us. If you thought I was going to meet you at 6:00pm and I showed up at 6:30pm, it’s entirely possible I got it wrong. That apology sounds like, “I’m so sorry to have kept you waiting. You don’t deserve that, and I never would have intentionally been late. Please forgive me.” Notice in this transgression there was a misunderstanding, not ill-intent. These apologies are easier to give because we made a mistake but didn’t harm anyone on purpose. The second kind of apology is much more difficult to give, but has incredible healing power if it is used where it is needed. I call this the “my humanity got away from me” apology. Think in the vein of the seven deadly sins: anger, lust, greed, pride, gluttony, selfishness, laziness. You get the idea. These parts of our humanity sometimes cause us to do things to others that they don’t deserve. It’s humbling (or humiliating at times) to admit we succumb to these, but owning them helps us do better by others. This kind of apology goes like this: “I knew we were meeting at 6:00pm but I couldn’t seem to tear myself away from what I was doing. I knew it would result in making you wait and feel disrespected and I chose to do it anyway. You didn’t deserve that. Do you think you can forgive me?” It’s important to take responsibility so that others know you know that your actions affect them. They can’t trust you if you don’t acknowledge that you can hurt them.
Second, make a plan to not do it again. This is practical for misunderstandings- you’ll have to set an alarm or plan better, maybe even communicate better to make sure you aren’t letting others down. However, with lapses in our integrity we have to think a bit harder. Why was I being so selfish? Why do I want everything my own way? Why was I disregarding their feelings? For any of the “humanity got away from me” reasons you’ll need to do some soul-searching. Showing others that you can reflect on your behavior rebuilds their trust in you. This is part of an atonement phase. Atonement is about showing others that you really are committed to change through actions.
The third step is actually enacted by the hurt party. When someone takes accountability and puts a plan into place to rebuild trust, the last step is for the hurt party to commit to trying to forgive. The active piece for the injured party is to work to see the progress and give feedback about how the atoning party can do better. When our hurt has been validated and we are given the apologies we need, it will often feel easy to work on the process of forgiveness.
The exception to the rule is something I call “Radical Acceptance of Injustice.” Most betrayals happen between people that want to continue their relationship. We inadvertently hurt one another, but most of the time we don’t want to end the relationship, we want to heal it. Once in a while something so egregious happens that we cannot be in relationship with the hurting party, we can hardly exist in a world where the transgression happened.
I heard a Ted Talk from a woman whose brother was murdered by a neighbor. She was looking for a way to find peace. She was trying to forgive, but it wasn’t working. Eventually, she found acceptance for what happened. The crime was not okay, but she couldn’t very well let this person ruin the rest of her life. Most forgiveness is about making it right, but some things will never be right. Radical Acceptance of Injustice is a process we undergo on our own to find some detachment from what happened, and to make meaning of the suffering in the world. It doesn’t involve the offender because they cannot have a relationship with you so they don’t contribute to the forgiveness process. They are not forgiven in the traditional sense, but are released as a source of anguish in your life, by you, for you.
If you’re stuck with something on your heart that could use some forgiveness, try first to identify a) Do you still want to have a relationship with the offender? b) Was it a mistake or a lapse in character that got you here? c) Which steps have been missed that might be keeping you from full forgiveness? You might not be able to fully forgive someone today, but you can start the process today. It’s your peace to find, should you choose it.
About the Author: Laura Zwisler is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the owner of Lafayette Couples Counseling. She specializes in relational therapy and men’s work. Her practice reflects a deep belief that through corrective relational experiences we can heal traumas, get needs met, and fulfill our greatest potential. In addition to counseling, Laura supervises interns at People House, leads workshops and trainings, and writes about the human experience. If you are interested in working with Laura, please visit: https://www.lafayettecouplescounseling.com/ or email her at: laura@lafayttecouplescounseling.com.
