The Holidays and Our Longing for Home || By Kevin Culver LPCC
The holiday season can bring a mix of emotion for each of us, from joy and excitement to a sense of sadness and nostalgia. So much can change in our lives and it is during holidays that these changes can become most apparent to us – we notice the absence of a family member who has died or moved away, we are reminded of better-times and past holidays, or we are overjoyed to celebrate with new partners, friends, and family members.
We so badly want the holidays to be a time of rest where we can hit pause on the ever changing landscape of life. And sometimes the holidays can be just that, providing us with a meaningful sense of celebration and community. But other times the holidays can feel painful, isolating, and dull.
I believe what unites these differing holiday experiences is our deep, human longing for home.
Home and the Holidays
The classic Christmas song, “I’ll be Home for Christmas” captures many of the elements of our longing for home. In the song, the singer reflects on meaningful traditions of the holiday season (e.g., ‘snow and mistletoe,’ ‘present on the tree’), while also conveying the nostalgic warmth and magic of holiday gatherings (e.g., ‘where the love light gleams’). The tragedy of the song, however, is that the singer’s longing for home cannot be fulfilled, but can only be brought to life in the somber, distant realm of imagination.
What is ‘Home’?
Home, as portrayed in the song, is a largely symbolic place characterized by a sense of safety, belonging, and warmth. Home is a refuge for each of us, a type of insulating barrier or blanket that nourishes our spirit and protects us from the harsh realities of life.
This spirit of home is what makes the holidays so attractive and appealing. Through the various holiday songs and movies, we begin to hope and long for home, hoping that our family gatherings, traditions, or gifts will heal the aches of our heart and soul.
For some of us, the holidays are indeed restorative, cheerful, and uplifting. But for others (like the singer in the song), our longing for home is unrealized, leaving us feeling discouraged and disconnected. For both types of experiences, there are ways to cultivate a sense of home, regardless of what the holiday celebrations (or lack thereof) looks like for you this year.
Cultivating a Sense of Home for Yourself this Holiday Season
- Reflect on the concept of ‘home’. The concept of home is extremely important and powerful. It reveals a deep longing that each of us has for connection, safety, and belonging. Reflect on what ‘home’ means to you and see if there are any memories of moments, relationships, or experiences that made you feel at home, especially memories around the holidays.
- Reflect on and acknowledge the changes in your life. Change is inevitable in life and can be responsible for the nostalgia, longing, and grief many of us feel around the holidays. Reflect on your own life and what has changed and how you’ve changed. But don’t stop there – take time to also acknowledge the change and see if it’s possible for you to extend gratitude and understanding towards the change you’re currently experiencing.
- Create new traditions and/or honor old traditions. Traditions are the bedrock of holidays since they provide a predictable source of meaning. Yet these traditions are often lost or forgotten over time. Reflect on past traditions you found meaningful and see if you can revive one or two this year. Or if nothing comes to mind, you can create new, meaningful traditions for yourself. They don’t have to be big or monumental, but can be as simple as watching a favorite movie, enjoying some holiday sweets, or walking around to see Christmas lights.
- Cultivate a sense of home within yourself. This step requires more time and may require the help of a therapist, but can be immensely healing and restorative. We often look outward to people or places to find our sense of home, but I believe each of us can cultivate a sense of home within ourselves. Through your reflection on the concept of home, you may have found some qualities that stick out to you – belonging, safety, warmth, acceptance. These qualities can be internally applied to our own experience and we can learn to extend warmth, compassion, acceptance to ourselves. This requires a willingness to acknowledge and be with your experience (e.g., feelings, emotions, sensations, thoughts), but when done consistently over time, you can begin to feel at home within yourself no matter what feelings, difficulties, or joys life or the holidays bring.
About the author: Kevin Culver, LPCC, is a professional counselor, published author, and owner of Resilient Kindness Counseling. Kevin has a MA in Mental Health Counseling and a BA in Theological Studies. With a background in spirituality, philosophy, and psychological research, Kevin provides a holistic approach to therapy that seeks to honor each client’s unique personality, worldview, and life aspirations. In his therapeutic work, he helps clients rediscover their humanity and create greater meaning in their lives, work, and relationships. He enjoys working with individuals from all backgrounds, but specializes in working with men’s issues, spirituality, and relationship issues. If you are interested in working with Kevin or learning more about his practice, please visit resilientkindness.com or email him at [email protected]
