The Happiness Quotient II By Laura Zwisler, LPC
Happiness, as far as I can tell, has two parts to it, and modern humans always seem to focus on the wrong part. The bigger portion is made up of fulfillment. These are the tasks that are dressed as work, but feed our souls. Any act of creation is fulfillment. Cooking. Gardening. Exercising. Writing. Scuba diving. Computer science. When we engage with the world, we feed ourselves. Fulfillment is the food of the soul, the healthy meal that nourishes us and lets us know we are alive. The very act of creating and engaging counts those minutes on the giant abacus of life as “used” instead of “wasted.”
The second part of happiness is pleasure. We are so good at pleasure that I think we’ve forgotten how to do anything else. An ice cream cone. Five minutes on Instagram. Sitting. Reading. Watching. Eating. Consuming in any way- these are all acts of pleasure. We like to hold as an example the French, and their relationship to food and wine and sex. They know how to do pleasure, and I think that’s all we see about them. They have perfected pastry, they have perfected bread, for goodness sake. From the outside they look like they only live for the good life.
With maturity we realize that true happiness comes from the balance of fulfillment and pleasure. Sweet is only sweet when contrasted with sour, bitter or salty. But the place we tend to come up short is getting the balance right. I would argue that we might lean more heavily toward fulfillment and creation than toward pleasure and consumption. In the same way our meals should be made predominantly of real food, and items close to the earth, so too should our time be composed of “real” tasks.
Consider how you feel after a weekend of pizza, TV and alcohol. Certainly you are more relaxed, but also a bit… dissatisfied. Allow this to go on for a week and you’ll find yourself feeling lazy, procrastinating and putting off things you love for no other reason than another episode of your favorite show is available on demand. After a month or two of only doing what’s absolutely necessary you might even find yourself drifting into despondency. One hallmark of not living our lives, not getting enough fulfillment, is depression. Our life force leaches out of us, and we can’t remember where our essential energy came from. This, of course, isn’t the only cause of depression, but it’s certainly one of them. As we extend tendrils of ourselves back into the world- meeting a friend for coffee, picking up where we left off on a project, dressing ourselves in clothes that need pressing, we find that life takes on meaning and purpose again.
But what of pleasure? What are the signs that we haven’t indulged enough in the here and now? Burn-out. You’ll know it because you’ll feel the light has gone out of your eyes. You can go through the motions, but have lost all enjoyment for things you once loved. All work and no play, Jack said, left him quite dull, indeed. When you’ve lost compassion for those who mean most to you, and couldn’t care less about your life’s work, that’s when you lean on pleasure. That moment is the one to drown yourself in chocolate cake and bubble baths. That is the time to lie on the beach with a book for two days. Pleasure and rest will restore you in burn-out. Consume until you are filled again.
Most of us are not teetering on the edge of depression, nor burn-out. So what of our everyday lives? For me the correct balance is 82% fulfillment, 18% pleasure, roughly. Feed yourself until you are almost full with the stuff of life. Create, engage, connect, be of service. These tasks will help you to feel even better than tired at the end of the day; they will help you to feel spent. Then, when you have set your work down, allow yourself a small bit of something that makes life sing. Enjoy this moment you get to be alive, but not to the extent that it will cost you your tomorrow. And then, dear friend, rinse and repeat. Incidentally, after studying the French, and their way of life, I have come to learn that they really do work quite hard, and none more than those who create food. They eat braised leeks for lunch, and spend all morning braising them. This act of creation is rewarded with a bit of cheese or a bite of chocolate. They, too, must find the balance.
About the Author:
Laura Zwisler is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the owner of Lafayette Couples Counseling. She specializes in relational therapy and men’s work. Her practice reflects a deep belief that through corrective relational experiences we can heal traumas, get needs met, and fulfill our greatest potential. In addition to counseling, Laura supervises interns at People House, leads workshops and trainings, and writes about the human experience. If you are interested in working with Laura, please visit: https://www.lafayettecouplescounseling.com/ or email her at: laura@lafayttecouplescounseling.com.
