This blog series has examined how to build deeper understanding and connection in relationships using Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s framework of Nonviolent Communication (NVC). 

In the last post, we looked at the importance of identifying and expressing our core needs (previous blog link here). In this final blog, we’ll explore the last component of NVC: learning how to make compassionate requests and speak our needs clearly. 

Review of the Four Components

To review, NVC includes four essential components:

1. Observation – Describing what is happening without judgment.
2. Feelings – Naming how we feel in response to what we observe.
3. Needs – Identifying the unmet needs underlying those feelings.
4. Request – Asking for an action that might meet those needs.

Now we’ll explore how to put all these steps into action by making clear, respectful, and actionable requests.

What Is a Compassionate Request?

A compassionate request is not about controlling someone else’s behavior. It’s an open invitation, an expression of your needs paired with a concrete, doable action that someone might take to help meet that need. Unlike a demand, a request creates space for choice.

Requests in NVC are:

• Specific – They focus on a clear, observable action.
• Present or near-term – They ask for something realistic and timely.
• Open to “no” – They respect the other person’s autonomy.

For example, instead of saying, “I want you to respect me,” you might say, “Would you be willing to let me finish speaking before responding?” This version offers clarity and invites cooperation rather than resistance.

Why Requests Can Be Difficult

Many of us struggle to ask for what we need. We fear rejection or we may feel guilty for making a request in the first place. Some of us have learned to put others’ needs first, while also ignoring or suppressing our own desires. As a result, we may rely on indirect or passive methods, hoping others will guess what we need or expecting them to notice without being told.

The problem is that unmet needs rarely resolve themselves in silence and rely heavily on the assumption that others can pick what we’re needing without us asking them. And when we don’t make direct requests, we risk building resentment, misunderstanding, or miscommunication. But when we clearly express what we need, we give others the opportunity to show up with care. 

The irony here is that although it is scary to make a request, our needs are more likely to be  met when we do so.

Requests vs. Demands

One of the core shifts in NVC is learning to recognize the difference between a request and a demand. A demand implies that there will be negative consequences if the other person says no. This often triggers defensiveness or fear.

In contrast, a true request comes with the understanding that the other person has a choice. It holds space for a “no,” and trusts that if our request is met, it will be met willingly and with the other’s consent and cooperation.

If you feel angry or resentful when someone says “no,” it may indicate that your request was actually a demand. In those moments, it can help to reconnect with your core need and consider other ways it might be met.

How to Make Compassionate Requests

When you’re ready to make a request, try this simple structure:

“When I see/hear __________,
I feel __________,
because I need __________.
Would you be willing to __________?”

Here are a few examples:

• “When meetings run late, I feel overwhelmed because I need more structure. Would you be willing to help us start on time?”
• “When I opened up and you changed the subject, I felt dismissed because I needed to feel heard. Would you be willing to ask more questions when I share?”
• “I’ve been feeling stretched thin lately. I need more support. Would you be open to helping with dinner this week?”

Requests like these are respectful, actionable, and grounded in your needs. They give the other person a clear pathway to respond with care, rather than relying on ambiguity or assumption. 

Final Thoughts

Making requests may feel awkward or vulnerable at first, especially if you’re not used to asking for what you need. But with time and practice, this kind of communication becomes more natural and easier to incorporate into daily life. 

To recap, compassionate communication involves:

• Observing without judgment.
• Feeling your emotions without blame.
• Identifying the needs beneath those emotions.
• Requesting specific actions with clarity and kindness.

Each of these steps invites deeper self-awareness and richer connection. They allow us to express what matters to us, while also honoring the needs of others. This is the heart of compassionate communication.

Thank you for walking through this series with me. I hope it’s offered insight, encouragement, and practical tools for strengthening your relationships through the application of the four principles of compassionate communication. 

If you enjoyed this series and want to learn more about Nonviolent Communication (NVC), I highly recommend Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. The book dives into all the principles listed here, but in greater detail, depth, and clarity. 

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About the author: Kevin Culver, LPCC, is a professional counselor, published author, and owner of Resilient Kindness Counseling. Kevin has a MA in Mental Health Counseling and a BA in Theological Studies. With a background in spirituality, philosophy, and psychological research, Kevin provides a holistic approach to therapy that seeks to honor each client’s unique personality, worldview, and life aspirations. In his therapeutic work, he helps clients rediscover their humanity and create greater meaning in their lives, work, and relationships. He enjoys working with individuals from all backgrounds, but specializes in working with men’s issues, spirituality, and relationship issues. If you are interested in working with Kevin or learning more about his practice, please visit resilientkindness.com or email him at kevin@resilientkindness.com