The Art of Compassionate Communication – Part 3: Identifying Needs || By Kevin Culver LPCC
This series of blogs is focused on how we can improve communication in our relationships, both professionally and personally, specifically by using Rosenberg’s framework of nonviolent communication (NVC).
In the last blog, we identified the importance of objectively observing our experience and circumstances and then connecting it very specifically to how we feel (previous blog link here). In this blog post, we’ll move onto the third component of the nonviolent communication framework – identifying our core needs.
Review of Key Components
For review, Rosenberg’s framework, nonviolent communication has four components that when used together create connection and foster collaboration. The four components are:
- Observation – Separating observations from evaluations. This means describing what is happening without judgment or interpretation.
- Feelings – Expressing how you feel in response to the situation, rather than how you think or what you interpret.
- Needs – Identifying the unmet needs that are causing the feelings. This helps to express what’s driving the emotion.
- Request – Making a specific, actionable request that might fulfill the need.
Identifying Needs
If we are able to observe our interactions with others and identify how we are actually feeling, then the next logical step is to identify the need beneath the feeling. Our emotions often arise when a core need is not being met.
We get angry because our need to be heard and understood is not being met; we get sad and overwhelmed because our need for stability is not being honored; we feel anxious because we need reassurance.
Rosenberg breaks down our core needs into six categories: autonomy, connection, meaning, peace, physical well-being, and play. I’d encourage you to click on this link and look over the list to familiarize yourself with each category and the needs within them.
Just like with emotions, expanding our language to identify our needs is a vital skill in compassionate communication. The more words we have for our emotions and needs, the more precise we will be able to communicate them to others,
Roadblocks
However, it is a complex task to be able to take the time and space to actually identify the need beneath the feeling. In fact, when someone communicates harshly or directly with us we can resort to blaming ourselves or the other person. Blame is a defensive reaction when we are confronted with difficult truths or hard conversations; and although it may feel valid at the time, blame, judgement, or criticism all alienate us from our own needs and values.
For example, we might say out of frustration, “You never understand me.” In framing our communication this way, it places blame on and defers responsibility to the other person. It is also an indirect way of expressing our needs, which are more likely to cause you or the other person to shut down and react defensively. In the example above, the real need is the desire to be seen, heard, and understood.
The Vulnerability Inherent in Expressing our Needs
Blame, guilt, or criticism are all indirect or passive-aggressive means of communicating what we actually need. And although well-intentioned, they usually create more harm, confusion, and disconnect.
Yet there is a certain vulnerability to acknowledging and identifying our needs. By acknowledging our needs, we invite the possibility that our needs are worthwhile; and more importantly that we are worthwhile.
Many of us were taught that needs don’t matter and we must always look after the needs of others to the neglect of ourselves. It takes a great deal of bravery to create enough space within yourself to acknowledge, identify, and communicate these needs to others.
The silver-lining in all this is that the more direct and precise we are in communicating our needs, the more likely we are to be met with compassion and the more likely our needs will be met. It is certainly a risk to communicate our needs, but the connection it can cause is absolutely worth the discomfort and vulnerability.
How to Communicate Your Needs
Communicating our needs, like our emotions, may feel like a foreign language to you right now, so it’s best to start with a simple, easy to remember formula. Basically all you do is connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need…”
Some examples:
- “I feel angry when you say that I’m not reliable because I need to feel heard and respected by you.”
- “I feel discouraged because I would have liked to have progressed further in my work by now.”
- “I’m sad you won’t be coming for dinner because I was hoping we could spend the evening together.”
Conclusion
Good communication takes practice and self-awareness. It arises through observing what’s happening, identifying what you’re feeling, and then communicating the need beneath that feeling. It may feel choppy at first, but over time compassionate communication will become automatic as you lean into a more enhanced way of connecting and relating to others.
