The Art of Compassionate Communication – Part 2: Observing & Feeling || By Kevin Culver LPCC
This series of blogs is focused on how we can improve communication in our relationships, both professionally and personally, specifically by using Rosenberg’s framework of nonviolent communication (NVC).
In the last blog, we identified the roadblocks that often get in the way of understanding and collaboration in our communication – namely judgment, comparison, denial of responsibility, and making demands (previous blog link here). In this blog post, we’ll move onto the key components of non-violent communication.
Key Components
In Rosenberg’s framework, nonviolent communication has four components that when used together create connection and foster collaboration. The four components are:
- Observation – Separating observations from evaluations. This means describing what is happening without judgment or interpretation.
- Feelings – Expressing how you feel in response to the situation, rather than how you think or what you interpret.
- Needs – Identifying the unmet needs that are causing the feelings. This helps to express what’s driving the emotion.
- Request – Making a specific, actionable request that might fulfill the need.
For today’s blog, we’ll be focusing and expanding on the first two steps – observing without evaluating and identifying and expressing feelings.
Observing without Evaluating
The first step in developing compassionate communication is to try and objectively observe the situation, rather than evaluating or applying judgment.
When something bothers us or a need of ours is not being met, we can rush to make evaluations and generalizations about the other person (e.g., “You’re too lazy”, “He’s always late”). But these evaluations often come off as critical and demeaning, resulting in the other person feeling resistance and reluctance towards the person we’re trying to communicate with.
To counter this human tendency to rush to judgment, Rosenberg stresses the need to make observations that are specific to time and context. For example, rather than saying, “You’re too lazy and don’t contribute to the relationship,” you would say, “Over the last week, I’ve done the dishes the last three nights by myself.” Or rather than saying, “You’re rude”, you would say, “You raised your voice and rolled your eyes.”
The point here is that in order for communication to be effective we first have to identify specific observations tied to time and context instead of resorting to exaggeration, generalization, or judgement. By doing this, we take responsibility for our words, making our communication more likely to foster openness and collaboration.
Identifying and Expressing Feelings
The second step is to learn to identify and express how we are feeling. Identifying and expressing your feelings is a vital skill because it helps you connect with yourself and others. And by expressing how we feel, we show vulnerability, which in turn can help resolve conflicts and create greater collaboration.
However, this is a skill that can be quite difficult for many of us to develop, primarily because we don’t have the vocabulary or inner awareness to describe how we are actually feeling. Most of the time we resort to words or statements that describe thoughts, assessments, or interpretations, rather than expressing our true feelings. This is partly because in the English language we frequently use the phrase, “I feel…” to describe thoughts or judgments, rather than actual feelings. For example, “I feel I should have gotten that job” communicates a thought and would better be communicated as “I think I should have gotten that job.” Another pitfall is that we don’t always need to use the word “feel” to describe our feelings. Rather than saying, “I feel sad,” we can simply say, “I’m sad.”
The alternative to these pitfalls is to choose words that refer to specific emotions. The English language has a plethora of words to describe feeling states, with each word having a slightly different nuance and meaning. For example, the general feeling of sadness becomes more specific and expansive when we use different words like despairing, lonely, or regretful. By changing the vocabulary we use, we can capture more of our experience and communicate it better to others.
I’d encourage you to check out this full list of feelings (link here) that describe a wide array of emotional states. By looking at this sheet and familiarizing yourself with different feelings, you’ll begin to be able to increase your ability to articulate your feelings, which will vastly improve your communication in your relationships.
In the next blog post, I’ll continue expanding on the final two steps to bring everything together, so that you can practice and master the art of compassionate communication.
About the author: Kevin Culver, LPCC, is a professional counselor, published author, and owner of Resilient Kindness Counseling. Kevin has a MA in Mental Health Counseling and a BA in Theological Studies. With a background in spirituality, philosophy, and psychological research, Kevin provides a holistic approach to therapy that seeks to honor each client’s unique personality, worldview, and life aspirations. In his therapeutic work, he helps clients rediscover their humanity and create greater meaning in their lives, work, and relationships. He enjoys working with individuals from all backgrounds, but specializes in working with men’s issues, spirituality, and relationship issues. If you are interested in working with Kevin or learning more about his practice, please visit resilientkindness.com or email him at [email protected]
