As humans, we all have needs, emotions, and feelings, but we often struggle to express them, especially in the context of relationships. Many never learned how to identify our needs or feelings, much less communicate them to others. And when we try, it often ends up in misunderstanding, disappointment, and hurt, amplifying our feelings of frustration and disconnection.

In this four-part series, I will be exploring the topic of communication and expanding on ways you can foster compassionate communication that will enrich your lives and relationships. I will be using Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s framework of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and highly suggest the reader pick up a copy of Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. 

For this first post, I will be exploring ways our language can get in the way of compassionate communication. In subsequent posts, I will unpack the four components of NVC and ways you can effectively apply these principles in your life and relationships. 

Roadblocks to Compassionate Communication

Moralistic Judgments 

According to Rosenberg, one of the primary ways we prevent compassionate communication is when we impose moralistic judgements on others. This way of perceiving others is deeply impersonal and seeks to categorize others into what we evaluate to be “right” or “wrong.” 

By reacting this way, we implicitly criticize and dehumanize the other, making them feel undervalued. And when one feels undervalued, they are likely to respond from a place of resistance and defensiveness, making it difficult to foster authentic connection.

In some instances, people will respond to our judgment and will change their behavior. But this change is motivated by fear, guilt, or shame and is not conducive towards personal growth or enrichment. 

We’ve all likely been criticized and have felt the negative impact  of other’s judgment (e.g., “You’re lazy,” “You don’t listen”, “You’re too controlling.”). And the tragic irony of these expressions is they actually communicate our needs in an indirect, albeit harmful way. For example, the judgement, “You don’t listen” may actually be communicating, “I feel sad and frustrated when we speak and am wanting to feel more understood and seen.”

Comparison

A second barrier occurs when we compare ourselves to others. Comparison causes us to pick apart and analyze, leading us to feel miserable about ourselves and critical of others, leading to a mutual block in compassion and understanding. 

Denial of Responsibility

A further barrier is when we communicate in a way that denies our personal responsibility. It is easy to blame others or circumstances when we become frustrated or angry, but when we point the finger we instill feelings of guilt or wrongness in the other, placing the burden of change on them.

Denial of responsibility can also manifest in subtle ways when we divert responsibility to outside forces, pressures, authorities, or expectations. Each of these are beyond our control and are an easy way to justify a lack of responsibility in our actions. 

However, by taking ownership of our words, feelings, and actions, we invite the possibility of change. Rather than submitting ourselves to forces beyond our control, we can actively choose how to respond to the frustrations or difficulties life throws at us; and in doing so, create more space for compassionate communication, collaboration, and change. 

Making Demands

A final roadblock is when we make demands of others. To make a demand communicates the threat of blame or punishment – basically, a demand communicates, “If you don’t do this there will be consequences.” It communicates that certain behaviors are deserving of reward, whereas others are deserving of punishment. 

The reality is we cannot make people do anything. And if we resort to force, punishment, or authority to get what we want, then we isolate the other and dehumanize them. They act according to our will not out of their own desire, but from a place of fear and an avoidance of punishment. Making demands not only alienates us from the humanity of others, but it also alienates us from ourselves.

Conclusion

Rosenberg labels each of these roadblocks as “life-alientating communication” since they separate us from our natural state of curiosity and compassion. By judging, comparing, denying responsibility, or making demands, we end up hurting ourselves and others. 

Yet there is a path forward, a path that allows for compassion, curiosity, and clarity to be cultivated in our communication and relationships. And this path forward will be the topic of my next post.

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About the author: Kevin Culver, LPCC, is a professional counselor, published author, and owner of Resilient Kindness Counseling. Kevin has a MA in Mental Health Counseling and a BA in Theological Studies. With a background in spirituality, philosophy, and psychological research, Kevin provides a holistic approach to therapy that seeks to honor each client’s unique personality, worldview, and life aspirations. In his therapeutic work, he helps clients rediscover their humanity and create greater meaning in their lives, work, and relationships. He enjoys working with individuals from all backgrounds, but specializes in working with men’s issues, spirituality, and relationship issues. If you are interested in working with Kevin or learning more about his practice, please visit resilientkindness.com or email him at [email protected]