Reservations for Three? Some Quick Thoughts on Expanding Your Horizons || By Rick Garcia, Certified Sex/Cannabis Coach, LMT
Have you ever found your mind wandering to what it would be like to be part of a threesome? Have you ever been asked to participate in one? If so, you know that adding a third person into your sexual (or romantic) relationship can bring up a lot of emotions and questions. Whether you’ve been asked to join an existing couple or are considering inviting a third person into your relationship, both situations can be exhilarating and fulfilling. However, it’s essential to approach it with the right mindset, clear communication, and a strong foundation of consent. Yes, you can get lucky (pun intended) and have everything go right, but a bed for three can also be scary and even awkward. This is why I wanted to write this post, so that you can learn some quick tips to keep the experience fun and sexy.
Before diving into the how-tos, it’s important to understand why you’re interested in a threesome. For couples, it might be about exploring new dynamics or enhancing intimacy. For singles, it could be about fulfilling a fantasy or experiencing new sexual adventures. Identifying your motivations will help set clear expectations and boundaries.
Esther Perel said it best: “Monogamy used to be one person for life. Today, monogamy is one person at a time.” While I 110% agree, monogamy has always been something that is wanted, but it’s safe to say that most of us have experienced infidelity in one form or another. What this tells me is that we are not necessarily wired for strict monogamy. Yes, monogamy can be a beautiful thing, but we are human. The want for newness, for sensation and exploration, is part of us. It’s okay to admit that, and it’s okay to have conversations around that. If we bottle it up, we get into trouble. We crack, have a slip, and some people will even live a secretive life which leaves us and the people around us in pain. There is no need for that. Ethical non-monogamy is just that—ethical. As with any ethical conversation, we need to understand intentions and set boundaries.
Reasons to Consider a Threesome
Exploration: A threesome can be a way to explore different sexual dynamics and fantasies in a consensual setting.
Enhancing Intimacy: For some couples, sharing a sexual experience with a third person can deepen their connection and bring new excitement to their relationship. Perhaps you and your partner have so much love you want to share it.
Curiosity: The desire to try something new and different can drive both couples and singles to pursue a threesome.
Fantasy: Justin Lehmiller conducted a study and found that 89% of men and 87% of women have had a fantasy about a threesome. For some of us, a fantasy is just a fantasy; for others, it’s something that can be a reality.
Pleasure: Does it have to be something deeper? No, it can be done simply because it feels good.
No reason is right or wrong. It’s completely subjective to you, your life, and your own values. If a ménage à trois is something for you, you might find that this new experience can create a memory that expands your perception of pleasure and intimacy. You might find that it’s a spark that can reignite passion and take your relationship deeper. I firmly believe that you can learn something from any experience. A threesome can lead participants to a deeper understanding of their own desires and boundaries.
The Potential Downsides
As with any experience, there can be downsides. Jealousy can come up, leaving people with feelings of insecurity. Adding a third person (or being the third person) can bring complex emotional dynamics that have to be carefully navigated. Some people actually walk away regretting the experience. Communication, consent, and agreements need to be made so that all parties can feel safe to explore the erotic realm.
Handling Differing Desires
For couples, it’s not uncommon for one partner to be more interested in a threesome than the other. That is why communication, consent, and agreements are so important. If you are the partner that is on the fence, don’t— and I repeat, DON’T— just do it to please someone else. If you or your partner are not all in, don’t proceed. Respect your feelings and your partner’s feelings. If you can’t feel safe enough to talk about your feelings, then you should not be holding space for another human. There are alternatives. I have worked with couples who have found alternative ways of bringing passion back that don’t involve other partners. This is what sex coaches are for: to help create dialogue and introduce perspective.
Communication is Key
Whether you’re a couple or a single, open and honest communication and agreements are the foundation of a successful threesome. For couples who have a reservation for three, you should:
Discuss Desires and Boundaries: What do you want to get out of it? What’s not okay to do?
Choose Together: Ensure that selecting the third is a joint decision. Both partners should feel comfortable and aroused by the erotic experience and the outside partner. This might mean knowing the person, or it might mean not knowing the person.
Keep Communication Open: Before and during the experience, maintain open lines of communication to ensure everyone is comfortable and happy. After, talk about it and make a plan for aftercare. I love to have couples start doing the Wheel of Consent exercise so that they can have tools.
Keep the Boundary: Have you ever said, “I’m only having one drink” and then had to Uber home? Well, you didn’t keep your boundary, and a threesome can be just like that. It’s okay to take baby steps. Maybe your first experience will be second base (or first). Keep that goal and stick to it. Remember, you can do it again and expand your line; you just can’t go back in time.
For Singles:
Express Your Intentions: Be clear about your desires and boundaries with the couple. Just because you are a guest star doesn’t mean that you don’t have a voice.
Respect Their Dynamics: Understand that the couple has a pre-existing relationship and be respectful of their rules and boundaries.
Communicate Openly: Like couples, ensure you’re part of ongoing check-ins to maintain comfort and consent.
Plan How It Will End: I know this sounds odd, but an Irish goodbye is not the best idea for a threesome. Think about how you want it to end. A shower for three? A cuddle? Or a simple thank you?
Creating a comfortable and consensual environment is crucial for a positive threesome experience. A hotel is nice and neutral, just be sure you feel safe. You might be going into it nervous, so give yourself time to step into an erotic space and don’t forget your safe words!
It’s okay to take it slow; erotic games are great for this. No matter how fun it is, be sure to pay attention to verbal and non-verbal communication, and last but not least, enjoy yourself. You have cultivated this erotic experience with communication and trust. At the end, talk about what worked, what didn’t work, and where you want to go from here.
Whether you’re a couple looking to introduce a new partner or a single ready to join a dynamic duo, the key is to approach it with an open heart and mind. Threesomes can be an incredibly rewarding experience when approached with clear communication, mutual respect, and enthusiastic consent.
About the Author: Rick Garcia (he/him) is the owner of Cannabased Coaching & Wellness. Rick started his career in the healing arts as a licensed massage therapist in 2005. Looking for a shift he transitioned to HIV prevention and has worked in sexual health for 11 years. Realizing the gap in sexual health and sexual fulfillment Rick became a certified sex coach and sexologist so that he could help people explore their ideal sexual self while remaining as safe as possible. His sex coaching services are holistic and combine elements such as talk, somatic exercises, the MEBES model, cannabis and a variety of other modalities. When his wellness center opened he decided to have another arm available for massage therapy. To learn more about Rick’s services please visit www.cannabasedcoachingandwellness.com or contact him at cannabasedcoachingandwellness@gmail.com.
