This post is for the amicably uncoupling couple, the partners that, either consciously or not, are in the process of dissolving a once cherished and valuable partnership.
At one point, you both experienced and expressed love for each other, and felt, on some level, satisfaction with your romance and relationship. Something about it worked. Maybe you liked how he was with the children. Maybe you liked how she was always there for you when you were down and feeling needy.
There are often things outside of us that draw us together; needs we need to be met, like laughter, companionship, staving off boredom, parenting help, financial partnership, being connected, and feeling loved.
Now, maybe your children have grown up, maybe you are both financially successful, you have close friends who make you feel connected and understood, you’ve worked through past traumas, and feel secure with who you are in the world. Maybe the relationship you once needed to work, doesn’t really need to work anymore in order for you to function highly.
Not all breakups have to be messy, disastrous, intensely emotional, disruptive, financially draining, or even difficult. This post is for the amicably uncoupling couple, two people that are ready to dissolve a unit that once met their needs, in order to move on to the next stage of their lives and cater to new and evolving needs, needs that you may be just becoming aware of.
Separateness is not the enemy. Separateness breeds independence, and independence fosters the subtle strengths of resilience and knowing one’s true self. Separateness is not loneliness.
Here are my questions for you and your partner.
Amicable uncoupling occurs most naturally when certain conditions are met, which include open & honest communication, transparent intentions, resentment mitigation, clear guidelines about the process, and a “do no harm” model of thinking and action.
Are both of you ready to do this?
Have you communicated thoroughly and decided that uncoupling is the best course of action for both of you?
Has there been honesty in your interactions and intentions about moving forward?
What does it mean to uncouple amicably?
What do you want your separation to look like?
How can you do the least harm to one another during this separation?
What are the guidelines for communication between the two of you going forward?
What are your fears regarding uncoupling?
What are your hopes?
How can you make this easier on each other? On yourselves?
What are your non-negotiables in terms of the process of uncoupling?
What is this relationship dissolution based on?
Is there any lingering anger and/or resentment that resides between the two of you?
How do you plan to work on your anger/resentment before you uncouple?
What are your individual priorities regarding this process?
Do you think a therapist could help you work through these issues effectively?
While a majority of couples arrive at therapy during the last phase of their relationship in an attempt to mend what feels broken, many couples nowadays are coming to therapy for help with the facilitation of the uncoupling process. Therapy can prove to be an effective means to streamlining an often confusing, overwhelming, and lengthy process.
You don’t have to go through this alone.
Sonya Som, MA, MFTC, LPCC: Life is about the choices we make and the relationships we foster, both with ourselves and others. I would be honored to walk alongside you in your journey, and form an alliance through which you can honor your own decision making process and understand where your choices truly come from. I would like to help you move meaningfully through life, with awareness, compassion, and empathy. I am a couples and family therapist in training, and use an integrative and collaborative approach to problem solving and goal reaching. I provide services to individuals, couples, teens, and families, all in the hopes of getting you to where you want to be.
Contact Sonya: 303-416-6542; firstname.lastname@example.org; SonyaSomTherapy.com