Connection Beyond Borders: A Samoan story of family bonds after death || By Lisa Martinez, Affordable Counseling Intern for People House, ERYT 200-RYT 500
For the Marriage, Couple and Family Issues in Counseling class in my graduate program, we needed to complete a genogram, a visual family-tree of sorts that details not only family relationships but also the quality of family relationships. While outlining the family issues in my mother’s father’s family of origin, I noticed patterns of distance, not only in the relationships but also in physical distance. According to my mother, this was due to my maternal grandfather’s own father’s alcoholism and abuse toward his family.
Several of my mother’s aunts and uncles moved far from Ohio at the beginning of the 20th century. One of my mother’s uncles, Edgar, left Ohio to serve during World War II and never returned. My mother had known that Edgar had been injured in a sea battle near American Samoa and chose to stay in Samoa after the war. Throughout my life, Mom told me stories that we had cousins in Samoa, but we had never learned of them or communicated with them.
To complete my project, I decided to try to find our extended family in Samoa, if possible. I followed many cold leads but finally found some people in Samoa with my grandfather’s surname, Ash. I found some names on a gravestone that matched not only my great Uncle, Edgar, but also the names of his/my grandfather’s siblings, including my mother’s middle name, Jean. My mother was named after her cousin, Jean, whose parents died in a shootout in a speakeasy during Prohibition in Cincinnati. Jean was cared for by several in her family, including my grandfather. It had to be more than coincidence that all these names were on one gravestone in Samoa. But yet, the path grew cold as I tried to find any of these people through web searches in Samoa.
On a whim, I looked up “Jean Ash” in Samoa, because that name was on the gravestone. The first search result listed the publisher of the largest newspaper group in Samoa, Jean Ash Malifa. I kept looking past that result because I thought that was probably not right. However, after clicking on several other results that yielded nothing, I decided to click on that. There was no picture and no way for me to verify any possible relationship with this publisher. So, I decided to write a letter to the editor and ask if they knew if Jean had a father, Edgar, who was related to me. I fully expected to be laughed off. But, it was worth a try, and the next day I received an email.
Jarrett, Jean’s youngest son, emailed me saying, “Hi Lisa, you have definitely reached the right place. Jean Ash Malifa is my mother and Edgar Louis Ash is my grandfather.” He went on to detail how they had looked for us for decades after losing touch, even flying to Cincinnati from Samoa to look for family in 2017. They lost hope. Then, they received my email, and it has been a wonderful reunion ever since. The picture at the top of this blog post is of Jean and my Samoan cousin, Jarrett, along with his wife, Anastassia, and Jean’s grandchildren. Jarrett and Anastassia flew out to meet our family this summer for my mom’s 85 th birthday. This spoke to me that although family issues, time, distance, and death can separate us, we can still reconnect if we desire.
Even though my great Uncle Edgar was given a “European” rather than a Samoan funeral, there are aspects of his life and death that span the globe and now bring some qualities of Samoa to my life – like respect for elders, deep love of family, and persevering to bring family together.
There is a strong sense of kinship felt in the connection with my long-lost family members that is prevalent in Samoan society. According to research, this kinship does not end with death but endures and encompasses families and ancestors who have passed, as a continuing bond. (Seuli, 2017) A tradition called “fa’aaloaloga fa’asamoa (or reciprocal distributions)” at the funeral services provides a forum for the grieving family to show their appreciation to their honored guests at the funeral in giving generously to family and guests. Often, fine floor mats made of leaves and bird feathers called “ʻie toga” are exchanged to honor the dead and the grieving family. After the mourning ceremonies, the family and community carry home leftover food and gifts to bring honor to the memory and status of the deceased member through caring for each other in the community as a “e fai mea mafai” or a family who is able to ‘walk the talk’ (Seuli, 2017).
My new-found family has demonstrated this generosity and kindness to us in responding and visiting from a long distance, bringing gifts along with them. I look forward to continuing to build the bonds across the globe that my great Uncle Edgar began decades ago.
For great insight into Samoan culture and rituals, check out the following articles:
Enari, D., & Rangiwai, B. W. (2021). Digital innovation and funeral practices: Māori and Samoan
perspectives during the COVID-19 pandemic. AlterNative: An International Journal of Indigenous
Peoples, 17(2), 346–351. https://doi.org/10.1177/11771801211015568
Seiuli, B. M. S. (2017). Samoan death rituals in a New Zealand context. Journal of Psychology and
Cognition, 2(1), 35–43.
And check out this great article in the Samoan Observer by my cousin, Jarrett Malifa, about our reunion:
https://www.samoaobserver.ws/category/columns/104739
About the Author: As a mother of six sons, Lisa’s greatest joy in life is her family. Tragically, however, in 2002, she and her husband, Aaron, lost their fourth son Benjamin in an unexpected accident. From then on, Lisa experienced a long, painful struggle with post-traumatic stress disorder and deep grief. She was introduced to yoga as a daily practice to help her rest and reset her mind. After over 18 years of her personal growth as a student and a teacher of yoga, she continues to explore the relationship between spirituality, somatics and mental health. She is currently pursuing a master’s degree in clinical mental health counseling at Messiah University and is privileged to work with People House as an Affordable Counseling Intern. Upon licensure, she intends to combine her in-depth knowledge of spiritual practices, yoga, and meditation with clinical counseling techniques to offer holistic therapy to clients, focusing on grief, trauma and bereavement issues for parents.
