Choose Your Compensation Carefully || By Laura Zwisler, LPC
In the world of couples therapy, Love Language is a staple. For those of you unfamiliar with the idea, the gist is that we prefer to receive love in ways that meet our own particular emotional needs over general acts of love. That is, when people we love show up for us, it’s better if they do things we like and need, not just random “romantic” or kind things that often don’t fit the bill. Your Love Language is likely influenced by your childhood. If your parents showed love by giving lots of praise you might grow up to love praise and Words of Affirmation. Or if you were from an affectionate family, love might feel like hugs and kisses. The opposite can also be true. If you never got gifts, they might mean a lot to you as an adult. If you weren’t prioritized as a child, later in life it might feel nice to have someone doing Acts of Service for you to fill those gaps. Our Love Languages are a reflection of our history—showing us things that worked and potholes that need repair.
It turns out we have a work “Love Language”, as well. What we choose for our compensation is a reflection of needs that were met, needs that weren’t, and the culture in which we were steeped. But first, let’s recognize that there even are different kinds of compensation associated with the work we do. Of course we know about being paid in money—that’s the only one we talk about. Did you know that some people are paid in feels? Teachers, counselors, nurses, physical therapists, really anyone who makes less than they are worth but still carries a lot of responsibility, is supposed to be partially compensated by the good feelings that come from the job. Presumably being fulfilled, appreciated, or making a difference is part of the compensation package. We know this is true because other lower paying jobs that aren’t as fulfilling are billed as “easy” or having lots of freedom—think Doordash or being a barista. In addition to money, they are paid in having less responsibility or lower mental load.
Some jobs have prestige or social status in the compensation package. Actors, writers, self-help gurus, podcasters, big shot lawyers all get the compensation of being known. Adjacent to these are jobs that have social standing as part of it—perhaps you belong to a selective group by having a job. This ranges from name recognition (“Oh, you work at Apple!”) to professional status recognition (“So, you’re a doctor…”). It seems like everybody has the same needs (money) until we realize that some people are lawyers and others are perfectly happy driving their camper van around the country and taking odd jobs. Some of us need freedom, some need recognition, some like responsibility and others need fulfillment.
We could map out your preferred compensation methods from your personality type and your specific emotional needs. Our forays into career exploration might have led us to believe that the kinds of jobs that call to us are simply what make us happy at work, and while that’s true, the underpinning is that if we aren’t compensated in a way that meets emotional needs, not just preferences, we will come to feel angsty in our jobs. We cannot truly be happy if our needs aren’t being met. Over time, a sensation of unfairness will creep to the surface when we aren’t being compensated the way we prefer. The shift in thinking is that getting needs met isn’t just a feature of the job, it’s part of the pay off, part of what makes it worth it for us to get out of bed and use our energy on it each day.
Identifying and pursuing your work Love Language will make the difference between coming home with empty emotional buckets and full ones. The job that you took in high school for 6 hours a week to make money for pizza, isn’t in the same category as this adult project of finding something that is worthy of your life force. Jobs come in all shapes and sizes, and to be true to yourself you might want to know what gaps you’re trying to fill. Moreover, when you’re choosing your compensation, don’t short change yourself. Your work Love Language is what the world can give you to help you feel appreciated and taken care of. If you need to be outside everyday, to have great conversations, to be left alone most of the time, to move your body, to listen to music, to change the world—any and all of it is out there. Do yourself a favor and answer the question: Besides money, what is it the job can give back to me that will make me feel it was worth it? The answer might surprise you.
About the Author: Laura Zwisler is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the owner of Lafayette Couples Counseling. She specializes in relational therapy and men’s work. Her practice reflects a deep belief that through corrective relational experiences we can heal traumas, get needs met, and fulfill our greatest potential. In addition to counseling, Laura supervises interns at People House, leads workshops and trainings, and writes about the human experience. If you are interested in working with Laura, please visit: https://www.lafayettecouplescounseling.com/ or email her at: laura@lafayttecouplescounseling.com.
