Be kind – but it DOESN’T mean be nice! || By Rev. Mary Coday Edwards MA
Being too nice can kill you.
This is how it starts:
Your body says to you, “You’re doing it again. You strongly disagree with what that person’s saying/doing, but you’re smiling and going along even though you’re seething inside. You’re stressing, so I’m releasing adrenaline and cortisol into your bloodstream. That’s what I do. Your heart rate and blood pressure will increase. Keep this up and you’ll bust an artery.”
How to hear your body? You can do the following exercise in a couple of minutes:
- Notice, pay attention to where that stress is showing up. Is it in your forehead? Gut? Shoulders? Heart area? Hands?
- Stop and breathe, preferably into that area, consciously relaxing it.
- Instead of surrendering to anxiety, anger, fear, Step 2 alone can begin to break the pattern of whatever emotion you may be feeling or thought you are thinking.
- Pause, ask your higher self, “I’m stressing. What can I do differently?”
- Sit with that question, continuing to breathe. You may hear nothing. You may decide to remove yourself from the situation.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken. – Oscar Wilde
Spiritual teachers and psychotherapists often associate “nice” with being a people-pleaser, with the need to look outside oneself for emotional needs to be met. In other words, if I’m nice to you, you’ll validate me in ways I’m not getting from myself. You’ll make me feel important, valuable, or worthy of love. Maybe you’ll like me. And to get what I want from you, I will even contradict my convictions.
The unconscious story you are telling yourself: I will wear a mask. You won’t see the real me. I will deprive the universe of me, of my unique gifts and perspectives. I will harm myself.
Nice implies acting and living unconsciously
An old word, “nice” appeared in English in the 13th century. It’s derived from a French word that meant “foolish”, which in turn came from the Latin nescire, meaning “Ignorant”. By the 17th century, it had evolved to signify “timid,” “fussy,” and “precise”—a far cry from our current usage meaning kind, or polite.
Nice implies acting unconsciously: I am ignorant of my motives and perhaps foolishly waiting for someone’s approval or to get something from him/her.
Defined in this manner, niceness comes with strings attached: I will please you and make you happy in order to get something out of it.
Be kind: focus on the other, for their good
Being kind, on the other hand, entails deliberately doing good to others, choosing consciously, which can evolve into loving-kindness. Meditation author and teacher Sharon Salzberg says that loving-kindness is derived from the ancient word “metta” and denoted “a heart space of inclusion” (1).
Ms. Salzberg says that while it includes “a deep acknowledgment of connection [with someone], it doesn’t mean you like them or approve of them; it doesn’t demand action; it doesn’t mean being sweet, with only a sugary ‘yes’” to that which contradicts who we are.”
The chart below gives some ideas of the differences. These are not absolutes, but generalities:
Training in loving-kindness
For me, training in loving-kindness enables me to move beyond the superficialities that divide our species. When I engage either in person or through social media with those whose values frankly leave me stunned, I mentally visualize that deeper spiritual commonality.
For me, that visualization is of a changing form of no specific shape, an intense sky-blue color with sparkles of light, in a background of midnight blue. There I can be kind without being nice; I can extend loving-kindness to them without contradicting my values. They are fighting battles I know nothing about in that deeper place.
By the end of our interaction, they may want nothing more to do with me. And that’s OK. My intent is to be kind to myself also in this interaction, by speaking my truth, by showing up as me.
So, be kind—but mindfully, paying attention to your motives, but without judgment.
Notes & Sources:
- 2016 International Symposium for Contemplative Studies. San Diego, CA. ISCS “brings together scientists, scholars, artists and contemplatives to explore distinct though overlapping fields of research and scholarship, using a multidisciplinary, integrative approach to advance our understanding of the human mind.” This symposium was hosted by the Mind & Life Institute, whose mission is to alleviate suffering and promote flourishing by integrating science with contemplative practice and wisdom traditions. https://www.mindandlife.org/mission
About the Author: Award-winning author Rev. Mary Coday Edwards is a Spiritual Growth Facilitator and People House Minister, and author of To Travel Well, Travel Light. An Adventure Memoir of Living Abroad and Letting Go of Life’s Trappings: Material Possessions, Cultural Blinders, and a Patriarchal Christian Worldview. A lifelong student of spirituality, Mary spent almost 20 years living, working, and sojourning abroad in Asia, Southeast Asia, East Africa, and Latin America before finding her spiritual connection at People House and completing its Ministerial Program. Past studies include postgraduate studies from the University of South Africa in Theological Ethics/Ecological Justice, where she focused on the spiritual and physical interconnectedness of all things. With her MA in Environmental Studies from Boston University, abroad she worked and wrote on environmental sustainability issues at both global and local levels. In addition to working in refugee repatriation, she was an editor for international, English print, daily newspapers in Indonesia and Mexico.
