Accepting Difference || By By TJ Dubovich MFTC
We all know that our partner is going to have some differences from us. If they didn’t, we would be in a relationship with a clone… and maybe that’s your thing, but I’m guessing most of you want a partner that has differences that compliment or challenge you, creating excitement and nuance within the relationship. However, what happens if those differences tend to push against the excitement? Is the relationship doomed if your partner’s differences disappoint or anger you? The simple answer is no, however, it’s important to recognize when personality or brain differences are getting in the way of secure attachment, fulfillment, or general contentment. If there is an inability to accept your partner’s self (the parts of their personality and the way they navigate the world that will not change), this can lead to a disintegration of the relationship over time. In particular, the absence of mutual respect can lead to contempt – one of Gottman’s 4 Horseman that has been shown in studies to result in divorce (For more information on the 4 Horseman, view my blog: The dance of the 4 Horseman and how to get back on track).
The dynamics that are created when a couple is not able to accept difference can be complex, but one significant way that I have viewed in my clients is what I call the “loss of good intent” within the relationship. When there is mutual respect and understanding between partners, there usually is an ability to not view behaviors stemming from differences as a malicious attempt.
For example, one partner may have less of an ability to remember tasks once tired or stressed. If this partner was supposed to pick up their spouse’s dry cleaning after work but forgets, there can be a few different ways the spouse can respond.
A negative interaction could look like:
Spouse: “I told you to pick up my dry cleaning today – how could you forget?”
Partner: “I’m so sorry – I had a stressful day at work and it slipped my mind”.
Spouse: “You always forget when I ask you to do a task for me. You don’t care about me”.
A more positive interaction may look like:
Spouse: “I’m feeling disappointed and frustrated that my dry cleaning was forgotten today”.
Partner: “I am sorry for disappointing you. It was a stressful day at work and it slipped my mind. How can I support you now?”
Spouse: “Can you create a text reminder in your phone for after-work errands to help you remember?”
Partner: “That’s a great idea. I will do that – thank you for understanding”.
Can you spot the difference between the interactions? In the first scenario, the frustrated spouse takes their anger out on their partner, utilizing criticism and blame to share their feelings. The spouse also expresses their hurt feelings through a generalized character attack on their partner (using language like “you always forget” or “you don’t care”). This can lead to feelings of shame and hopelessness in our partners and creates a narrative that there is an inherent flaw with the partner. However, in the latter scenario – we can view a different emphasis and expression of emotion. The spouse still names their feelings to their partner, however, they do so by taking ownership of their experience and not just relying on blame. The spouse also provides a strategy and an “ask” of their partner, coordinating with their partner to solve the issue vs making the narrative that the partner is deficient. The communication in the second scenario takes practice and can feel awkward and difficult to master at first. However, utilizing a more positive framework in which you work together through adversity can directly lead to overall improved relationship satisfaction.
Furthermore, there are ways to establish more appreciation and respect in your relationship to balance the feelings of disappointment or frustration in differences. According to the Gottman’s, one of the best ways to accomplish this is by building a culture of fondness for each other – strengthening the inner core of the relationship (Lisitsa, 2023). Some strategies for increasing admiration and fondness can look like:
- Sharing positive memories of the past (ex. looking through pictures of your wedding, fun date nights, family get-togethers, or romantic vacations)
- Daily gestures of gratitude or love – these can be small or big (ex. nightly practice of sharing one thing you are thankful for in your partner, doing an act of service for your partner, giving an unprompted compliment, or kissing or holding hands for an extended period)
- Reframe issues as external problems (ex. Shifting your perspective of a relationship issue as something to come together with your partner to solve)
Through doing this work, you may find that a difference/s has become a deal-breaking matter. In that case, I would advise seeking couples counseling as a way to approach the issue with a third party involved. Therapy can provide space for both partners to be heard and for the issue to be processed in a constructive, structured manner. Counseling may lead to you figuring out what truly are deal-breaking behaviors or not, which ultimately can provide you the clarity to forge the best journey for you and your partner, whatever that trajectory may look like.
References:
Lisitsa, E. (2023, September 21). The Four horsemen: Contempt. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/
About the Author: TJ Dubovich is a marriage and family therapist at The Cannon Institute. TJ works with individuals, couples, and families in a solution-focused and collaborative approach. He enjoys working with folks from a variety of backgrounds – especially those in the LGBTQIA + community, those in life transitions, and couples looking to improve their relationships. If you are interested in working with TJ – email or call The Cannon Institute at admin@thecannoninstitute.com / (720) 318-2450 for a free, 20-minute consultation.
