Relationship Boundaries || By Tristan (TJ) Dubovich, Affordable Counseling Intern for People House
The concept of boundaries is a hot topic as of late. Social media outlets discuss this topic through the lens of pop psychology, celebrities, and many mental health professionals trying to get their take heard on this important issue. There is a range of ideas that swirl around on what is a boundary actually is, how we can/should implement them, and how to respond to someone else’s boundaries.
Here is my take: A boundary is a relational strategy to honor our emotional experience in response to someone else’s behavior. This definition is vague for a reason – boundaries are nuanced and can vary in structure, urgency, and style depending on the situation. They can also vary among your connections, depending on the relationship. For example, someone may feel the need to place a boundary for themselves on the type of tv their partner watches. If one partner loves watching MMA, and the other partner finds MMA to be stressful due to the violence, a boundary may look like: “I am going to hang out in a different place in the home when MMA is being shown on tv”. In contrast, if there is contempt coming from your partner in a conflict, a boundary may look like: “I need to leave the space right now and will not return until you’ve cooled down and stopped name-calling me”. Both are boundaries but are quite different in nature. They differ in the gravity and immediacy of the situation and may be implemented in varying ways depending on the relationship of the person you are setting them with.
As a relationship therapist, I focus on boundaries from the perspective of how they exist within a romantic partnership. The most important thing to understand in boundary work is that it is NOT an attempt to control or change your partners’ behavior. It is an action that you make in response to your partner’s decisions or behaviors.
In an article by VeryWell Health – they provide some sample scripts to help in expressing a variety of different types of boundaries (Brooten-Brooks, 2022)
Use “I” statements:
- I feel _____ when _____ is said to me.
- When this happens ______, I feel_____.
When you feel disrespected:
- I don’t like the way I’m being spoken to right now.
- I would like to talk about this, but now is not the right time.
- I would prefer to discuss this when we can be calmer about it.
Buy yourself some time:
- I’m not sure right now. Can I come to you once I’ve thought about it?
- I need more time to think, but I will get back to you.
When you want to say “no” with a little more explanation:
- I would love to, but my plate is really full right now.
- I would if I could, but I’m unable to help with that right now.
- I really appreciate the invitation, but I’m not interested in participating.
Seeking consent with sexual boundaries:
- Are you okay with this?
- Do you want to continue?
- Are you comfortable if I ____?
While boundaries serve as a way to protect your needs, they also can be used ineffectively or even can cause harm. In an article by Lissa Carter (2023), she states “If the boundary is in service to avoidance, escape, defensiveness, or power consolidation, revisit your boundary strategy. If the boundary is in service to sovereignty, relational integrity, or self-compassion, take care of yourself and keep going”. When placing a boundary with your partner, consider who/what it is actually serving, and if this is a reason to not compromise or a real lack of capacity or ability to engage.
Lastly, boundaries are hard. They are complicated and there is no one “right” way to implement or construct boundaries. Give yourself grace when exploring boundaries in your relationship and speak to your needs and wants while trying to maintain respect for your partner’s experience. Boundaries help relationships thrive when we engage in them from a thoughtful and compassionate place.
References:
Brooten-Brooks, M. (2022, January 24). How to set healthy boundaries. Verywell Health. https://www.verywellhealth.com/setting-boundaries-5208802
Carter, L. (2023). There is no easy way to set a boundary. Inner Light Counseling Collective. https://www.innerlightasheville.com/news/2023/3/18/how-to-set-and-maintain-a-boundary
About the Author: Tristan (TJ) Dubovich is a marriage and family therapy intern at People House. TJ works with individuals, couples, and families in a solution-focused and collaborative approach. He enjoys working with folks from a variety of backgrounds – especially those in the LGBTQIA community, those in life transitions, and couples looking to improve their relationships.
