Jealousy Is Not the Enemy of Non-Monogamy: Befriending Jealousy and Deepening Intimacy || By Taylor Arroganté-Reyes, LPCC
When I work with relationships that are exploring non-monogamy for the first time, how to manage jealousy is often one of the first questions couples ask. Even partners and relationships that have been around the block with non-monogamy for years have an ongoing relationship with jealousy. Whether we are new or seasoned, understanding how to manage our jealousy is one of the primary tasks of a connected and loving consensually non monogamous relationship.
Many people approach non monogamy hoping that they can avoid jealousy completely. That can commonly look like building restrictive rules and boundaries that aim to eliminate the risk of jealousy. But, unfortunately, we can rarely avoid jealousy completely. But, with well explored and communicated boundaries, an understanding of why we have those rules and boundaries in place, back up plans for when boundaries are crossed, and a healthy self-investigation when we experience jealousy, we can be well set-up for navigating jealousy with love and communication.
An important caveat is that there are some circumstances in which jealousy arises from a breach or a violation of boundaries and agreements in a relationship. This type of jealousy is resolved by re-establishing safety and vulnerability through an effective repair. That is not the type of jealousy we are talking about here today! The last thing I’d want someone to take away is that jealousy stemming from a violation of trust needs to be resolved on the part of the person whose trust has been violated.
You’ll hear people say again and again in the non-monogamous world, “jealousy is normal!” because, it is. Jealousy is a normal emotion that everyone experiences in some form or another. You might be familiar with the concept of compersion which is a word used frequently in non-monogamous relationships that means the exact opposite of jealousy. For example, instead of jealousy, someone could feel compersion by experiencing genuine joy that their partner had a wonderful date night with one of their other partners. While compersion can be experienced in non-monogamy, we can’t expect that we will always feel it. Even someone who regularly feels compersion for their partner in some scenarios may sometimes struggle with feelings of jealousy in others.
And, still we want to avoid this feeling completely. No one likes jealousy! It is an uncomfortable and anxiety-inducing state of being. Particularly so when we are engaging in consensual non-monogamy and want to feel excited for our partner to experience things with other people. But, the hope that we can avoid or eradicate feelings completely is so familiar, isn’t it? Many clients sit down on my couch (and truthfully I sit down on my therapist’s couch) and wonder how we can “just stop” feeling something we don’t want to feel. As much as we all wish we could metaphorically spray bottle our emotions away like a cat that won’t stop chewing on the plant in the living room, we can’t—the reason being that we feel because our system is trying to tell us something. Our feelings want to be felt! They are asking for attention. Once we stop pushing them away or trying to distract ourselves from them, our emotions usually have helpful information for us.
Jealousy is no different. Jealousy is trying to tell us about the unresolved hurt or fear lurking within us, hoping to be understood. Buddhism has a practice for welcoming in difficult emotions called “inviting mara to tea.” In this practice we imagine that our difficult feelings are an honored house guest we are inviting in and helping them feel comfortable so they may share their wisdom with us. In this way we can see what that feeling might show us if we stop resisting it. ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and IFS Internal Family Systems both utilize similar practices all rooted in helping our emotions feel settled enough to communicate with us.
These practices contain a few similarities:
- differentiating from the emotion by realizing it is a part of us, but it is not all of us
- having compassion for this emotion and helping it feel safe to be there
- trying to understand what it’s fears are, and what it might be protecting us from feeling
- adopting an attitude of non-judgment and acceptance towards it’s presence
- building trust with this feeling so it can come to us and tell us what it needs from us
These practices can assist us in moving from managing our jealousy to understanding and communicating through our jealousy.
For example, after welcoming and learning from our jealousy we can move from:
“You’re spending more time with them, so I’m shutting you out,”
to
“I’m stonewalling because I’m feeling afraid that I’m becoming less significant to you. Somewhere in my life I’ve learned that in order to avoid my feeling of insignificance I have to push people away to feel okay.”
Or instead of:
“If you can’t tell me that I’m more important to you than your other partner, then maybe you don’t even love me anymore,”
we can move to
“I’m anxiously checking in and threatening the end of our relationship because I fear that I might be left. I’ve learned that in order to avoid my fear of being left, I create enough noise that you’ll finally pay attention to the pain I’m feeling.”
Learning to befriend and understand our jealousy can show us more of what we can provide to ourselves when we are feeling threatened, and help us communicate with our partners about how we operate when we are hurt. Ultimately, if we are faithful to the unmet needs within us, this practice can lead to even deeper intimacy and trust with ourselves and with the people we share ourselves with.
About the Author: Taylor Arroganté-Reyes is a Licensed Professional Counselor Candidate and the owner of Congruence Psychotherapy. In individual work, she specializes in existential therapy and parts work. With couples and partner systems, she specializes in consensual non monogamy and non-normative relationship structures. Her work seeks to invite an open-handedness to the ever-unfolding mystery of life. Her practice is grounded in the belief that genuine relational contact between us and within us can heal, change, and liberate— allowing us to become who we hope to be. If you are interested in working with Taylor, please visit https://congruencepsychotherapy.com/ or email her at taylor@congruencepsychotherapy.com.
