Why Words Matter: How verbal expression can help us reconnect to ourselves || By Kevin Culver
We’ve all been there. Hours have gone by and we’ve barely noticed as we sit on our couch, endlessly doom scrolling through post after post on social media. Our mind feels numb, we feel disoriented, and we’re not sure how time passed so quickly.
In today’s society, we’re surrounded and flooded with information. The ease of access to information at our fingertips is astounding. But it can also be harmful for our mental health because it can distract us and disconnect us from ourselves. In this blog post, I will be exploring the importance of words and how verbal expression is a critical component of reconnecting to ourselves, our emotional experience, and our relationships.
Slowing Things Down
As a therapist, it’s my job to ask my clients how they’re doing, but you’d be surprised how often they reply with vague, non-specific language such as “I’m pretty good,” “Nothing much has changed,” or “I’m doing ok.” At other times, clients will unleash a verbal barrage of all the events that occurred over the last week. But as we get into the session, the deeper levels of their experience begin to surface – they begin to talk about their anxieties, their fears, and their vulnerabilities.
However, it takes time to get there.
It takes skillful questioning, trust, and time for the client to actually pay attention and connect to their experience as it occurs in the moment. And this is what therapy is for. Therapy is a unique container where time is given to clients to decompress from the overstimulation of the world, so they can pause and direct their attention inward.
And when such a space is created, many clients don’t have the words to describe what’s happening in their mind and body. They simply don’t know what to do.
So, why is this?
External vs. Internal Focus of Attention
Our society is heavily extraverted, meaning it places a strong emphasis on the external world, on the things that happen outside of us. Yet, very little emphasis is placed on what’s happening within us.
Social media, advertising, and phones are designed to draw our attention outward – which is natural and good, but becomes problematic when this outward pull is non-stop and individuals do not have space to reflect, pause, or take a breath.
Unfortunately, our society has become polarized in this extraverted direction, robbing us of those spacious moments of boredom and nothingness. Moreover, the skills for inward reflection and attention are seldom taught, providing yet another barrier to knowing ourselves and our experience. All this leads us to verbal paralysis when space is actually provided for us to talk, explore, and express our inner world.
This is precisely why therapy is important in today’s society – it’s a place for you to pause and find the language to express how you’re actually feeling and doing. And therapy does this by helping you cultivate certain skills such as specificity, attention, and clarity.
Specificity, Attention, and Clarity
When it comes to verbal expression our default is to speak in a general, absent-minded, and vague manner that protects us from vulnerability, while also distancing us from our actual experience. So, specificity, attention, and clarity are all verbal skills that contrast the dominant way of thinking and speaking. And when practiced, these skills give us a renewed ability to understand ourselves.
These three skills are interlinked and complimentary. When we speak with specificity, we bring attention to how we’re actually feeling, which results in mental clarity. And over time, this results in us reconnecting to ourselves, to our emotions, and to the important people in our lives.
Application
So, what does all this information mean for you? How can you practice this on your own?
- Bring attention to the words you use and take a moment to connect to your experience before you speak. For example, when someone asks you how you’re doing, rather than resort to the typical, “I’m good. How about you?”, take a moment to pause and check-in with yourself. You can ask yourself, How am I actually doing? What do I notice going on right now in my thoughts? In my body? You may notice quite a few things when you do this (e.g., thoughts, sensations, impulses, tightness, images). You are by no means not obligated to share this with another person. The simple pausing and noticing is enough.
- Slow things down – create time in your day to pause, reflect, and notice your experience. This point follows the same point above, but is to be practiced when you’re on your own. Slowing things down can look like meditating, journaling, or simply taking a deep breath to notice and acknowledge your internal experience in the moment.
- Expand your emotional vocabulary. A tool I often use with clients is the Feelings Wheel (you can see it here: https://feelingswheel.com/). It’s a visual pie-chart that starts with the seven core emotions: happy, sad, anger, disgust, surprise, bad, or fearful and then becomes more specific as it expands outward with each core emotion. Take a look at it and attempt to find the word that best describes your current experience. By practicing this, you’ll learn to differentiate and acknowledge your different emotional states. This, in turn, will allow you to more effectively communicate your experience to others, whether that’s in relationships, at work, or in daily life.
About the author: Kevin Culver, LPCC, is a professional counselor, published author, and owner of Resilient Kindness Counseling. Kevin has a MA in Mental Health Counseling and a BA in Theological Studies. With a background in spirituality, philosophy, and psychological research, Kevin provides a holistic approach to therapy that seeks to honor each client’s unique personality, worldview, and life aspirations. In his therapeutic work, he helps clients rediscover their humanity and create greater meaning in their lives, work, and relationships. He enjoys working with individuals from all backgrounds, but specializes in working with men’s issues, spirituality, and relationship issues. If you are interested in working with Kevin or learning more about his practice, please visit resilientkindness.com or email him at [email protected]
