Toilet Training for my Inner Child: DISCONNECT – Clyde Davis

What is there about sitting down in front of the keyboard and realizing the energy to communicate has suddenly, inexplicably, just drained away? It’s not that I believe I have nothing to say or that anything I say is without value – quite the opposite! I know I have much to speak to and many experiences that have value. I truly believe my perspective on things can be novel, challenging and insightful. It just seems that all those wonderful notions and powerful insights all lose their impact when I’m not engaged in a conversation, or listening to someone else expound on their views, or being asked what I think.

Do I need the stimulation of others to feel productive? Creative? Communicative? Many times the answer is yes, I do. There is nothing quite like the random association of group sharing or rapid changes of topic to get my juices flowing. And yet, at other times, all by myself I am just brimming over with such urgency that I am astounded when I sit down to write and nothing occurs. So what actually happens when the opportunity to write presents itself and I come up wanting?

Part of the difficulty I find in writing comes from the simple fact that my mind works way faster than my hands. Sometimes even faster than my mouth, but those of you who know me would affirm how rare that is… I do find it frustrating to not be able to record the words as quickly as they form. Or reproduce them as clearly as they first form.

Another factor is my obsessive-compulsive tendencies. I am overly concerned about tiny details of my writing that others hardly think about. I cannot consciously misspell a word as I type, or repeat a word too soon, or misuse a mark of punctuation, or use an imprecise word to express what I am feeling. In fact, I must decide on the font, the font size, the text alignment, the page layout, and a host of other niggling details before I can relax into the typing at all. Hmm. Small wonder I can get any words out at all!

I do, however, feel it necessary to state how important it is to pat myself on the back for actually writing at all – even if much less in extent than my inner perfectionist would like. I know how critical it is to do what is hard to do in order to overcome the inertia of old patterns of behavior. Just writing this short piece is having a positive effect on my reluctance to sit down and write. Something. Anything. At any time. It all adds up to ultimately overcome the inertia of remaining the same – doing the same thing – repeating the same uncomfortable habits over and over, while expecting different results.

I’m sure there is a lot more to my feeling stuck and unproductive than the few things I shared just now. But it’s a start. More later…

Clyde

People House: a Center for Personal and Spiritual Growth