Transformation is on my mind.  Transformation, change, movement, growth… whatever one decides to call it, it is stalking me.  I see the clock and it reads 5:55.  The license plate, the tarot cards, the signs all around me read 5.  My attention is 5 oriented.  Change, change, change.  I am haunted by the idea.

I realize I’ve never fully embraced the idea of change.  It’s different, it’s new, and it’s unknown.  I sit here and feel this idea out.  Regardless of whether I welcome change or not, there’s no denying that I am ready to give birth to something new.  That statement resonates as true.  As I write that, I recall the experience of pregnancy and ultimately giving birth to my two daughters.  The very first thought that comes to mind was that it was painful, but if I am truly honest with myself, I realize it was also so much more. 

It began with expectation, and dreaming, and imagining what might be.  It was exciting.  I was expanding in every way.  My body, my emotions, my thoughts, my identity: they all grew and carried me along.  Ultimately, when it was time to give birth, any fears I might have held about the unknown future no longer mattered because there was no going back.  I gave birth.  Each time, with each daughter, when the nurse placed my child in my arms, I was this new being.  They were born and I was born.  I was transformed.  No matter how painful, there is not a single moment of my birthing experience that I would wish away. 

My beautiful daughters have continued to enhance my life.  They have challenged me to expand over and over again.  If I was stuck on one way of thought… well, they would offer unlimited other ways to view a situation.  With them, I’ve had infinite opportunities to release, to embrace, and to expand my perception of self and the world we share.  

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Yes, sometimes this growth has been painful. There have been many ideas I’ve not wanted to release.  There have been many moments I’ve fought my own expansion and I suffered in my struggle.  I’ve built walls and have had them torn down.  I’ve held firmly to my own opinions and fought to keep them.  I refused growth and I suffered for it.  And then one day I gave birth again.  I transformed whether I wanted to or not.  And all the fear and resistance I held onto no longer mattered.  I am reminded that when change stalks you, you may as well just surrender.  You just can’t stop a birth. 

So here I am again.  Change is stalking me.  It is coming.  Change is here.  I am reminded not to fight it.  My growth is inevitable.  I am being transformed and expanded, and born again.  I face a new me. I have given birth to myself today.  I left an old idea behind.  I stretched beyond what I was, and entered into now.  I have changed. New things are possible now. 

My boss told me she is getting ready to retire.  It is right around the corner.  I initially took this in with some feigned excitement.  Feigned because, well I felt anything but excited.  Stunned, or perhaps shocked might be more precise of a feeling, and disappointment might even lurk somewhere in the shadows of my mind.  But in the instant that it took me to run through the list of emotions, excited was identified as the most appropriate emotion to express in the moment.  Yes, excited is perfect in this situation.  This after all is good news given by someone I care about!

I certainly could have stayed with feigned excitement for the entire conversation.  That would have been completely fine.  But no not me… I tend to drop into authenticity fairly quickly these days.  And since I respect my boss, I allowed myself the opportunity to tap into the truer part of myself, and tears sprang from my eyes as I felt something very deeply.  Loss.  Loss of what is familiar and what is simply beautiful and admired.  She is a beautiful person and I will miss her in my every day work life.

I quickly realized that I couldn’t just keep crying in front of her!  Shedding tears at work actually felt kind of horrifying.  Not that I haven’t done that before in front of her, but I didn’t want her to feel bad, and I didn’t want to feel sad, and I don’t like to brim with emotion as often as I do.  So I gave myself something to focus on; I made myself present to watch and to hear her.  I allowed myself to stand as a witness to the emotion traveling through me.

As the conversation continued, I eventually did find the excitement.  I am thrilled at her courage to move along in life and take that next step.  She shared that she has always known who she is throughout the stages of her life.  She has been student, mother, wife, manager, and on and on. She has very clearly known and embraced all of her identities and now she is stepping into a future of “retiree.”  This future is not very clear and certain.  She can imagine leisure, but how much time is she interested in pursuing that?! She finds herself a bit unsure, because she doesn’t have anything planned.  There is no “to do” list.  There is no need for a calendar at all!

I realize she is asking: “Now who am I?  Now who will I be?”  I found myself thinking, yes, we always go back to identity.

Who am I truly?

And so we talked just a bit about this “Now what?” experience.  She has so much opportunity ahead of her.  Now is her time to take a taste of the many things she had put on hold.  Now is the time to try different ways of being.  Now is the time to experience life in a completely new way.  She can learn a bit about stillness, presence, and trust.  She can also learn to re-experience her home, family, and friends from her new perspective.

As always, I see myself being reflected back to me.  I am on my own quest to experience freedom, stillness, presence, and trust in myself and in my life.  I am also on a quest to identify who I truly am.  I realize that her journey touches my own heart’s longing.  As I contemplate my experience of our conversation, and our intertwined lives, I am left with this very simple idea: At any point in time, I am anyone I choose to be.  It’s not necessary to wait for retirement, or any special day or occasion.

Now is the perfect time to be any being I desire.