Relationship Refresh: Renewal After Separation ll By Dorothy Wallis

Relationship Refresh: Renewal After Separation
By Dorothy Wallis

A sweeping wave moves through people’s lives dissolving the past and transforming their relationships with one another. This may take the form of separation or ending. It is an awakening but in the moment it can seem like total collapse or disconnection. You may be experiencing this in your life or have observed it in the lives of your friends. It feels much like a crushing tsunami that exposes the disturbing underbelly of unmet expectations, unfulfilled dreams, incompatibilities, betrayals, dishonesty, gossip, rejection, offenses, and rigid, dishonorable, selfish, competitive, controlling or combative behaviors. Any one of these will upend a sense of integrity that dismantles what formerly had been stable. 

Sometimes these realities were hidden from view. Other times they were in plain sight and experience but you held onto the belief that things were fine, you could adapt or with attention things would work out or that the situation or person involved would change.  If you were completely unaware, finding out the truth comes as a huge shock striking you face down into a dark reality. You had high hopes for your dream of harmony and fulfillment to materialize. Perhaps you put in great effort to create what you thought was wanted or needed.  As you face the truth of the situation, your sense of trust, security and identity are altered. 

The tsunami drags out all of the loathsome bits into the mucky water of emotions to be felt.  Now, there is no denying, no hiding, and no appeasing; there is only feeling it all. You are in the surge.  It takes tremendous courage to wade through it. The waves keep lapping more into your awareness. Some bits are theirs and some are your shadow aspects.  An interval of space is required to wade through the aftermath. This is an opening and an opportunity if you allow yourself to be present to all that arises.  

Wading in the Waters

When everything seems to be falling apart dread, despair, discouragement, distrust and “you name it” all other types of negative thoughts flood your consciousness.  Your first inclination may be anger, confusion or retaliation. Instead of directing it outwards at whomever or whatever has provoked the friction, let yourself dive into the depths of your body where the physical energy resides.  Your body is speaking. It has received the impact and actually reshapes itself into the thought forms and emotions you are experiencing. As you linger here with your awareness, and feel the heaviness, the torment, the heartache, you notice how the sensations begin to change.  There is always movement. Your body is never static. All sensations are temporary.  

The physical pain often feels unending because the pain signal keeps repeating until there is sufficient healing.  Your emotions come and go. Awareness of the sensations and feelings allows insight and movement of the disturbance.  Dwelling in the thoughtforms recreates the emotions and gives them lasting power. It is challenging to bring your attention back to the sensations of the body.  Simply be with the energy as it is without pushing it away. Notice the gaps. In the space of the pause there is light, the light of insight and peace.  

Taking the Plunge

It is always easy to see the unhealthy or non-relational patterns in others and what they could do differently.  It is not so simple to see your own. However, as you plunge into the waters of your emotions, you will begin to uncover repetitive patterns of behaviors or reactions in yourself.  We all have them. Going from being shackled to an old pattern to freeing yourself takes a complete change in your perception of reality. The rip tide of your patterns is as ancient as humanity.  You must approach them from a different angle in order to not get dragged down. It seems counter intuitive and perhaps repulsive to dive inside the present experience, yet dive in you must. Much suffering occurs from struggling against what we are experiencing.

Be curious; ask questions.  Is this a pattern you have experienced before with a person or situation?  How did you respond? What thoughts keep arising? Do you believe they are true?  What beliefs do you hold that contributed to or precipitated your response? What beliefs do you rigidly grasp?  What happens if they are not true? If you were the recipient of your behaviors or responses, how would that feel?  What aspects of yourself do you push away? What patterns could you change that would foster healthier interactions?  What have you learned about yourself or your beliefs?

What are your fears?  Don’t pass this one off; really search for what your fears might be.  Fear underlies most of our disturbances and dynamics with others. What will you lose or fear you will lose?  Is there guilt or shame involved? Disturbances in relationship bring up core wounds. The loss of stability can be frightening.  When a relationship ends or changes the tendency is to think it was a failure or that something was wrong with it. Is there another alternative? 

“When we make things wrong, we do it out of a desire to obtain some kind of ground or security.  Equally, when we make things right, we are still trying to obtain some kind of ground or security.”  ~ Pema Chodron

What feels ungrounded or insecure?  Have you lost trust in yourself or another?  What do you trust? What is “wrong?” Are they wrong; are you wrong?  Is it possible to not cling to your version of right and wrong so tightly?  What happens if you just let go of the need for anyone to be wrong? Opening the space for non-judgment with no agenda is a practice that allows anyone to enter just as they are with their mistakes and vulnerabilities.  What kind of communication would result from spaciousness? Can you be with the vulnerability of uncertainty?  

Be candidly honest with yourself without judgment. 

I suspect that whatever you find inside needs some kindness and compassion.  Be tender and kind hearted to the patterns and beliefs you have held. They were there for a purpose and that purpose may no longer be necessary.  See them, relate to them, thank them. Being vulnerable is uncomfortable; it is not easy to feel the pain of our insecurities or to see parts of ourselves that we don’t like or the undesired parts in someone we care about.  Let compassion enter whenever you find yourself making you or someone else wrong. What shifts inside as you approach all with compassion?

The Transformative Waters of Your Essence

All forms change shape.  Being in a human body is one of endless reformation and renewal.  Relationships evolve and change because we are all constantly growing and developing.  It does not make them a failure, wrong or right when they end or change. They have their time and place in our lives.  Through the eyes of the soul it is a journey perfectly designed to cultivate the beauty and truth to live your true essence.  Going with the flow of change brings transformation and renewal. Look at what your relationships have given you. How have they shown you more about yourself?  What have they taught you about kindness and love?    

The groundedness and integrity of ourselves is found not in permanence or certainty but in approaching life with an open-hearted spirit.  Change is the way of life. It is surprising to find that when you connect to the change in your relationships with compassionate non-judgmental open-hearted awareness a passage opens and new life breathes in.  Trust is found in renewal. It awakens relationship to life in ways you could not possibly have imagined. Allowing others to be who they are frees you. You just might find that a deeper kind of love is found. 


Dorothy Wallis is a former intern at People House in private practice with an M.A. in Marriage and Family Therapy.  She is a Psychotherapist, Certified Relational Life Therapist, Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and an International Spiritual Teacher at the forefront of the consciousness movement for over thirty years grounded in practices of meditation, family systems, relationships, and emotional growth.  Her work reflects efficacious modalities of alternative approaches to healing for individuals and couples based upon the latest research in science, human energy fields, psychology, and spirituality.    

As a leader in the field of emotional consciousness and the connection to mind, body and spirit, her compassionate approach safely teaches you how to connect to your body, intuition and knowing to clear emotional wounds and trauma at the core.  The powerful Heartfulness protocol empowers your ability to join with your body’s innate capacity to heal through holistic Somatic, Sensory and Emotional awareness.

www.TheDorWay.com and www.Heartfulnesspath.com 

People House: a Center for Personal and Spiritual Growth